I need to shorten this essay by 148 words, but I don't know how to. Can you please give some suggestions?
Describe the environment in which you were raised---your family, home, neighberhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today. (word limit:200)
I cannot help laughing everytime I think of this story of my mom. She has wanted to be a heroine since eight. Everyday after school, she hid behind a camphor tree near the only river winding through her small town, waiting for someone to fall in. She kept imaging that when a kid got drown, she would jump straight in and sacrifice her own life to save the kid, though she could not swim at all.
When my mom was eight, she was determined to sacrifice. Fortunately her childhood dream did not come true, but she found a better way to achieve her own values. She became a journalist, a job that consumed the rest of her life. Mom worked ceaselessly for years. While pregnant, she was still writing and interviewing for a monograph, which resulted in threatened abortion more than once. She composed thousands of reports, and called for justice for millions of people, but like many other able women, she was forsaked by her husband. Busy with her work, mom leaves me in grandparents' house, and lives by herself. Within my memory, I have hardly slept with my mom. Even on Chinese New Year Eve, when every household throughout the country is having the biggest family feast together, mom is creating news in the office.
I had cried when she had no time to look after me while I was sick, and I had protested by calling her "aunt" as she did not come back for weeks, but with age I slowly understood the responsibilities she is taking. She felt her dream fulfilled when workers' hardships were voiced, when corruptionists were denounced, and when stories of heroes were spreaded out through the public. What have been sustaining her seemingly lonely life for all these years were her love and dedication to the society. I realized that I should too, take the responsibility, and devote my life to the community I live in., because I truly feel that there is not much we could ask for in this world, but by giving we gain the greatest happiness.(348 words)
hey gracetm,
this is my suggestion:
She wanted to be a heroine since she was eight. Everyday after school, she hid behind a camphor tree near the only river winding through her small town, waiting, for someone to fall in. She kept picturing that if a kid fell in, she would jump in and sacrifice her own life to save the kid, though she could not swim.
Mummy's childhood fantasy did not come true, but she found a better way to achieve her dreams. She became a journalist; a job that consumed the rest of her life as she worked ceaselessly for years. While pregnant, she still wrote and interviewed for a monograph, which resulted in a frequent scare of abortion. Did it happen? She composed thousands of reports, and called for justice for millions of people, but like many other career-oriented women, she was forsaken by her husband.
Busy with her work, mom left me with my grandparents. I hardly slept with my mom, even on Chinese New Year's Eve; when every household throughout the country had the biggest family feast together, and even when I was sick, mom was at the office; writing reports.
Her dream was fulfilled when workers' hardships were voiced and justice was served. Sustaining her seemingly lonely life for all these years was her love and dedication to the society. With age; I realized that I too, should take the responsibility, and devote my life to the community I live in, because I truly feel that there is not much we could ask for in this world, but by giving we gain the greatest happiness.
(262 words)
Minimize your word usage ( change do not to don't) that will help alot and do a spell check.Also; dont spend so much time talking about what happened over the years...paraphrase...give us a little insight and move on. Great essay though.
She kept imaging that when a child was in trouble, she would jump straight in and sacrifice her own life to save the kid. She could not swim at all.
I realized that I should too, take the responsibility, and devote my life to the community in which I live. I truly feel that there is not much we could ask for in this world, but by giving we gain the greatest happiness.
Shorten it by taking out what strays from the main theme. Your main theme seems to be your mom...
