So some backround im a 3.0 student with many jobs. Im tyring to expain my low gpa and potential. I have gotten 2300 sat, so im trying to explain that im not using my full potential.
"(My name Here)" - an average student by any definition, inconspicuous among the swarm of adolescents scrambling for scholarly achievement, devoid of any signs of exceptional motivation. Is this correct?" comments the austere interrogator. I ignore his blunt description of me, for how could he possibly understand who I really am? He knows not of the hardships my family has faced, the sacrifices that I have made, and the academic difficulties I encountered as a direct result of the aforementioned. No one can truly appreciate the contorted situation which I have been entangled in. No one but my mother.
My mother has raised me on her own for as long as I can remember. For over fifteen years, she has been a guardian angel to me: feeding me, clothing me, guiding me through the difficulties of life. As I entered Monta Vista High School, one of the most academically challenging institutions in California, I took on an additional burden - giving back to the mother who has supported me single-handedly for so long.
At the maturing age of 14, I began my first job at Amber, a local Indian cuisine operated by my mother - the manager. Almost immediately, I was blown away by the enormity of my responsibilities: I was expected to work four hours daily, weekends included. I felt myself losing grasp of the balance between my academic aspirations and my endeavor to support my mother. While waiting tables, schoolwork would distract me; while studying, the day's queue of customers would occupy my mind. Oftentimes, I was forced to choose between these two aspects of my life; I kept my priorities straight with schooling on top. When confronted with this dilemma, I habitually gave up my work days to study, giving up large portions of my salary. Yet, there were sacrifices involved; while I still tried to keep my test grades excellent, I found it monumental challenge to keep pace with the homework and project load of my classes.
In my already disoriented state, news of my mother's deteriorating health proved to be oil poured unto fire. My mother was suffering from numerous health problems, and would be subject to multiple surgeries throughout the next couple of years. I was sent reeling: the balance of school and work that I had previously sought was now hopelessly out of reach. At a moment's notice, I would have to take the reins from my mother and run Amber on my very own. This precise situation presented itself in my junior year first semester, one of my most dire periods of high school. I spent an entire day prioritizing my multifaceted life, and concluded that my mother comes first - no matter what. I was now responsible for the outcome of my family, and knew that I had to sacrifice something very dear to me: my schooling. I could no longer handle the combined stress of academics as well as work, and in this situation work came first. I was forced to drop my science curriculum, my AP Environmental Science class.
Now, with my mother's health restored, I am able to pursue my career by taking jobs conducive to my interests. I am now working at Cupertino Networks - a local networking company. As part of the consultant team, I help many customers configure servers and set up their routers. But the best part is that I have found balance via the ability to work from home. I can support both my family and my academic interests.
"Incorrect," I reply, "What you see is a two dimensional slice out of a three dimensional character, nothing more. I am Preet, a maturing boy from a low income household who works diligently to support his single mother. That is the real me."
I think you did a great job of talking about the struggles you faced and describing how they affected your academics. One thing I feel you could do to improve the paper is to talk a little bit more about how you've grown and can handle more now than you used to be able to, which would fit pretty well in your conclusion
THIS IS AMAZING. Great essay. I hope you get in, I'm applying tonight. Out of curiosity which UC's are you applying to?? I agree with the previous comments and have some of my own edits:
while I still tried to keep my test grades excellent, I found it monumental challenge to keep pace with the homework and project load of my classes.
Maybe: ...while I tried to keep my test score high, I found it monumentally challenging to keep pace with the homework and project loads of all my classes.
This precise situation presented itself in my junior year first semester.
Maybe: ...This very situation presented itself at the beggining of my Junior year.
I'm kind of in a hurry right now with my own essays, but if you're applying tonight like me, these two errors were the only ones that kind of stood out. If not I'll get back to you soon. Again great job.
I would tweak where you said "at the maturing age of 14" I would change maturing to mature, it makes more sense that way, although I'm hardly a grammar nazi.
But overall I really like your essay, that opening paragraph is a great hook.
Thank you guys so much i added a little bit at the end
...my AP Environmental Science class....
Now, with my mother's health restored, can support both my family and my academic interests.
Thus, I have mastered the art of balancing a job and academics. With much more time on my hands, I have become able to pursue my academic interests. And while it was too late to improve my GPA - what happened in the past - I have been exacting the utmost diligence in my areas of standardized testing. "Incorrect," I reply, "What you see is a two dimensional slice out of a three dimensional character, nothing more. I neither lack motivation, nor am I unexceptional. I am Preet, a maturing boy from a low income household who works diligently to support his single mother. That is the real me."
im applying to riverside , Irvine ,Berkley and Davis. Most are reaches but i hope i get lucky!
