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THINK BIG; "Dr. Ben Carson, a world-renowned neurosurgeon " - Character in fiction


answers: 3
Dec 14, 2008, 07:22pm   #1
This is the question i am doing: Any punctuation mistakes grammatical errors or structure would be helpful thanks
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.


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Dec 15, 2008, 02:37am   #2
Good job overall. A few points of grammar and style:

"Math was not a subject in which I was not the best in because I realized I did not apply myself to it." Eliminate the double negative. Better yet, try revising the sentence to avoid using the word "not" altogether.

"felt the feeling . . ." Well, yes, one normally feels feelings. Try to avoid repeating similar words too close together. Revise to "felt the same sense of accomplishment . . ."

"I had always promised myself that before I graduated I would be on first honors which means a 90 grade point average."

"taking a full demanding course load . . ." Revise to "taking the most demanding course load"
Dec 28, 2008, 09:54pm   #3
The essay rewrite
hows this?
While running my fingers across of books on my living room shelf, I came upon one with a purple binding and bold letters that said "Think Big". I stopped; glanced at the book, and then pulled it off the shelf. I realized this was a book my uncle had given me at the start of high school that I had never taken time to read. The cover had a picture of Dr. Ben Carson, a world-renowned neurosurgeon and right next to his picture was a snippet of text that said "Unleashing your potential for excellence". The book grabbed my attention, and I could not take my eyes off of it. Therefore I took it up stairs and began reading.
As I read, I felt a new sense of empowerment stirring inside of me, that mediocrity would not cut it anymore and that change was due. The biggest change came when I read page ten. Doctor Carson, who was struggling in the fifth grade, had a conversation with his mother after she had received his report card. She told him how she "worked among the rich, and saw that they achieved higher education and because of it they can do whatever they wanted to do". Then she embraced Carson and told him that he could do anything that they could do, only that he could do it better. I felt that instead of Carson's mother telling him these words; she was directing them at me. Her words inspired me to strive for excellence, through focusing on my education. From that page on, I decided that for any task I have to do I would put my best effort and in return I will receive the best.
In keeping this promise to myself, I realized that with excellence comes the thrill of achievement. I felt this pleasure, when I received my first math test of senior year. Math was a subject I was having difficulties in. So from the beginning of the school year I made it my duty to review what we did in class at home. By doing this I was able to pass math my math test not with just the minimum. When I received my first report card of the year, yet again I felt the thrill of achievement. I had always set one of my goals to be on first honors of Bishop Loughlin which means a 90 grade point average. For the first quarter of my senior year I have put my name on first honors. Most importantly I achieved this while taking a full course load of demanding classes. This sentiment feeling of accomplishment in my academics is essential in my motivation to work harder and strive for the best.
Dec 29, 2008, 03:37am   #4
You're getting there. Some more advice:

"From that page on, I decided that for any task I have to do I would put my best effort and in return I will receive the best." This is a bit awkward. You might try "From that page on, I decided to always put my best effort into every task." Or something along those lines.

"I was able to pass math my math test not with just the minimum." Hopefully you did a bit better than "not just the minimum."

"This feeling of accomplishment in my academics has motivated me to work harder and strive for the best."



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