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"thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities" - bump in the road


Unoticed 1 / -  
Jan 17, 2011   #1
Hey, it's my first time unitizing this thread and i would like if someone would critique my essay. It would help if you can give pointers and check my grammar. This is a essay i put together for UCF.

Prompt:If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.

If I could count the number of road blocks I have confronted in my life, it wouldn't surpass the amount of fingers I have. But then again, life is not about how many challenges a person has faced, but the effort made to overcome them. One of the crucial experiences that made an impact on my personal wellbeing and academic standing was when I was living in the lines of poverty. For about two year, my mother and siblings were living in a small apartment that was timeworn. The kitchen was close to the living room and only two rooms were available for a family of five. The stove was full of rust and strains lodged with a fridge pushed against the wall and the bathroom was to be share with other residents. The bedrooms were slightly small and three of my siblings including myself would share a bed. Through found in my disposition, I was thankful for my hardworking mother who at the time worked at a bar to support us. There was always some substantial food in the fridge to content my stomachs.

In school, I usually did well and wasn't burden with my predicament. However, academic challenges soon a raised when I was placed in accelerated classes, where I can fulfill my full potential. I had to adjust my pace of learning to better accommodate the speed of the class. The assignments were given in overwhelming quantity and I often found myself working twice as hard as the other students to obtain understanding of lessons and assignments. I was often embarrassed to seek additional help from the instructors or from classmates. It became harder and harder to focus when worrying about the difficulties at home referring to rent and money. Though, my mother did not try to concern me with financial or economic burden; I was old enough to recognize the problems. My mother would encourage me to be faithful in my ability to thrive and continual remind me about how important education was. I recall a motto by Napoleon Hill "whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve". The actual "thought" of failure soon became a very powerful motivational factor. It motivated me to try my best without fear of the outcome. I refused to make my personal life affect my academic achievement because with time I believed that it would get better. I saw my failure written in red ink, but though it all realize my achievements were inerasable through hard work and endurance. I found satisfaction in challenging my mental capacity. It instilled in me self- confidence, ambition and tolerance.

My bump in the road made me thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities to better myself. With this foundation, I believe I am mentally and educationally prepared to stir my course of my future toward the University of Central Florida University. I know this university will provide me with the skills I need to be succeeding in its Nursing program and curriculum.
shadowfax 5 / 22  
Jan 17, 2011   #2
. I refused to make my personal life affect my academic achievement because with time I believed that it would get better.

If I could count the number of road blocks I have confronted in my life, it wouldn't surpass the amount of fingers I have.

That sounds too cliche and awkward. Try contrasting it with some other thing...

But then again , life is not about how many challenges a person has faced, but the effort made to overcome them.

Why use "again." you never said anything before... so just say "but then"

One of the crucial experiences that made an impact on my personal wellbeing and academic standing was when I was living in the lines of poverty.

change it to "academic standing occurred when I was living in the lines of poverty."
For about two year about two years

The stove was full of rust and strains lodged with a fridge pushed against the wall and the bathroom was to be share with other residents.

the bathroom was to be shared with other residents.

There was always some substantial food in the fridge to content our stomachs.

However, academic challenges soon a raised when I was placed in accelerated classes, where I can fulfill my full potential.

it is just "soon raised" not "soon a raised"

I recall a motto by Napoleon Hill "whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve".

change it to:
I recall a motto by Napolean: "whatever the mind..." or "I recall a motto by Napolean Hill who said "whatever..."

I refused to make my personal life affect my academic achievement because with time I believed that it would get better.

What got better?! your personal life or academic achievement? So in order to eliminate this confusion state what "got better" rather than addressing it as "it."

I saw my failure written in red ink, but though it all realize my achievements were inerasable through hard work and endurance.

I don't understand this at all...

I found satisfaction in challenging my mental capacity. It instilled in me self- confidence, ambition and tolerance.

Change it to: "I found satisfaction in challenging my mental capacity and it instilled self-confidence, ambition and tolerance in me."

My bump in the road made me thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities to better myself. With this foundation, I believe I am mentally and educationally prepared to stir my course of my future toward the University of Central Florida University. I know this university will provide me with the skills I need to be succeeding in its Nursing program and curriculum.

Completely rephrase this whole thing... It is very ineffective...

Overall I think this is a pretty good essay. I like the concepts. Just organize them well and write an effective conclusion.

Hope this helped.

Good Luck!

Please help me with my GA Tech essay too...
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 25, 2011   #3
I see a great opportunity for something funny here:

But then again, life is not about how many challenges a person has faced, or how many fingers one has, but inste ad on the effort made to overcome them.

:-)

Look at all the themes:

I was living in the lines of poverty.

I was thankful for my hardworking mother ...There was always some substantial food in the fridge to content my stomachs.

In school, I usually did well and wasn't burden with my predicament.

I think you should put all these together to form one meaningful idea to share with the reader... what does it all amount to?

when I was placed in accelerated classes, where I can could fulfill my full potential.

Capitalize: motto by Napoleon Hill "Whatever the...

Alright, i see that at the end you did indeed share a meaningful theme with the reader. That is very good! I think you should express it again in different words -- a thesis statement -- and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph after the sentence about your mother always making sure you were healthy and there was food in the house.

:-)


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