Here is the prompt:
As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you. (the website says about a page in length)
And here is my essay:
People always say teenagers think that they are invincible. Maybe it's due to a mix raging hormones and idealistic opinions, or even a combination between the first true sips of freedom and what seems like everlasting time. I never thought I was invincible; I never jumped anything on my bike, or even take the now infamous "cinnamon challenge," but I did view death as only a possibility, and not a reality. However, in the summer before my senior year in high school I was suddenly thrust awake from my invincible adolescent dream into the actuality of adulthood. At 17 I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, a lifelong autoimmune condition in which my body relentlessly (and might I add foolishly) attacks my digestive system. In a single moment my cloak of teenage invincibility was yanked off, and I was standing there-suddenly naked and afraid-in the corridor of adulthood, as if I was having a staring contest with death himself. But this essay is not about fear, or loss of innocence, but instead about overcoming a stumble on the pathway of life.
When I heard the words "lifelong" and "incurable" that fateful Thursday afternoon my heart sunk to my knees; it was as if I suddenly became a wax figure that was left to melt under the hot summer sun. The physical changes were quite simple: I had to take pills every day, and "ruffage" was now embargoed from my diet. The mental changes, on the other hand, did not happen quite so smoothly. For a couple months, my moods fluctuated like a teeter-totter. I was an emotional hurricane, a category five to be exact. From fortuitous rage to aimless despondency, I felt as if a rug had been pulled out from under my feet, leaving me alone on the floor, scared and full of self-pity. During those first few weeks, I also went a little research crazy, suddenly becoming a self-titled expert on all things Crohn's. But as time wore on, as it tends to do, I calmed down, and I began to actually think, and not panic. I found support from my Aunt who has battled this disease for most of her life. I read books, watched YouTube videos, and even talked to people about Crohn's. I grew to accept the fact that my life changed, and it was going to be different, but I still had a life, something I was blessed to have at all.
I can never go back to thinking I am invincible, but to be honest, I never truly was. Death should not strike fear, but instead invoke a sense of gratitude for the life that one has been allowed to live. There are some nights that I lay awake on my bed, afraid and a little disappointed with these changes, but at the same time I feel a little wiser. Overall, this ordeal caused my ambition to rise because I don't quite fear death as much, but I do fear not living a life I could be proud of. I began to develop my goals, because for the first time I felt as if I had a timeline to complete them. My wish to change the world became a legitimate desire and hope because I finally understood the concept of morality; everyone should be given a chance of a life worth living. I am not giving up my childhood, but instead maturing into adulthood. Although my cloak of invincibility may be lost in the memories of my childhood, a crown of passion, ambition, and humbleness has been placed upon my brow, symbolizing a true transition into maturity and life.
Do you think this answered the prompt well enough? It is a re-purposed essay, but I revised it to try and make it fit better. Thanks and any feedback would be great!
Nicole, the problem with re-purposed essays is that important elements of the original essay get lost in the rephrasing of the paragraphs. In this case, your introduction carried on too long and when you finally got the point, you missed out on telling us what the diagnosis you received was. Rather than talking about raging hormones and feelings of invincibility within teenagers in general terms, talk about you instead. How did you view death before? The rest of the essay relating to the diagnosis is good enough but can still be worked on regarding content. You want to let us know about your self determination to survive this illness, what you had to go through during treatment, and how you managed to survive this very trying time in your life. Tell us how it has changed your outlook about life and how you live it. Show us how you learned about your vulnerability and ability to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. That is what will make this essay the best that it can be and offer the admissions officer an insight into the kind of person you have become due to your life trials. Would it be possible for you to post your original essay here? Maybe I can help you better re-purpose the essay if I can see the original :-)
