I've seen your posts on others' threads, and I have to say, I'm impressed with the level of help you've given. If possible, could you look at my prompt #2 for the UC application. Did I answer it well enough? Is my main point clear enough, or should I change my thesis? Also, does it flow well? Thanks so much for your help!! Also, are there any unnecessary words I can cut? Please let me know.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I had been called into the principal's office - and it had never looked more intimidating. I knew what lie behind those glass doors; without hesitation, I threw the doors open and strode inside. Mrs. Holmerud stood in the conference room next to a man I had heard much about, yet had never formally met. With an impassive expression, he gestured to a seat opposite of him, asking if I knew why we were meeting. I nodded. As if waiting for my confirmation, the man grinned, welcoming me aboard his exclusive program. I thought I knew what to expect. I was wrong.
Professor Ronald Hallett, M.D., of the University of the Pacific, was the man's name and official title. At the recommendation of my principal, who had noted our grades and extracurricular involvement, he offered me and six additional juniors the chance to become role models and tutor eighth graders in the best ways to reach college. This was the coveted C.O.V.E. program, an acronym for Creating Opportunities via Education. Eager to test my leadership, I stepped through the doors of the Bernard School of Education on UOP's campus for the first day - and was greeted by dejected stares and blank expressions. As I stood to address the thirty congregated students, a thousand questions assaulted my mind, each one no closer to an answer than the last.
What would I say to them? What if I was too casual or demanding? Essentially, I held their futures in my hands, and my advice could make or break them. First impressions indicated that many would have rather spent their summers elsewhere. However, just as I was about to speak, a young boy raised his hand from the back of the classroom.
"What's the best part of being in high school?" he asked. The simplicity of his question caught me off guard - its effect shocked me even more. One by one, uninterested faces changed into ones of curiosity and attentiveness. Smiling, I answered the question, and each answer drew another inquiry until the classroom was a sea of raised forearms. In the weeks that followed, they displayed more than a simple interest in their futures - they showed a determination to reach their goals. College searches intrigued even the most skeptical mentees, public speaking drew even the most timid from isolation, and high school planning lent even the most unprepared students confidence in their potential. The apprehension I had seen in their faces just five weeks earlier evaporated like water in the sun. No longer were they the inexperienced eighth graders I had first been assigned; on that day, they were the masters of their futures, the confident freshmen of tomorrow.
The C.O.V.E program allowed me more than just time to exercise my leadership; I watched a new generation of leaders flourish. In a sense, C.O.V.E. was a role reversal, an opportunity for the students to instruct their mentors. Their tenacity and determination to push their own limits remains inspiring to this day. As I complete my own high school career, I take pride in their accomplishments and in my responsibility to those now attending Lincoln High, knowing I played a role in leading them to college. All great journeys begin with a single step, and together, through C.O.V.E., we took our first steps toward limitless opportunities.
Hi :) Your essay is excellent, nice job. I can tell you are a very intelligent individual and you must be a fantastic student. I have a few suggestions for your essay:
I knew what lie behind those glass doors; without hesitation, I threw the doors open and strode inside.
This part sounds a little awkward. Maybe say this: "Without hesitation, I threw open the glass doors, knowing exactly what I was about to face."
At the recommendation of my principal, who had noted our grades and extracurricular involvement, he offered me and six additional juniors the chance to become role models and tutor eighth graders in the best ways to reach college.
I think this sentence is a little too long, you should either shorten it, or turn it into two sentences.
My f irst impression of themindicatedwas that many of them would have rather spent their summers elsewhere.
No longer were they the inexperienced eighth graders that I had first been assigned to teach. ..
