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'She taught me to speak up for myself' - Second UC Application Prompt Help


juliag 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2012   #1
Hi there, I'm hoping someone can give me some feedback on my very rough draft of my essay for the UC prompt. The prompt is included below.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

It is truly unfortunate for the cat who had to perish for the benefit of curiosity. Although its inquisitive nature got the better of itself, I am sure it lived a life full of exciting and interesting experiences brought on by its curious ways. Although this euphemism speaks negatively about and warns against being curious, I am proud to say that I am a curious person. Just like the cat, my curiosities come in many forms with various outcomes. The intellectual curious side of me prevails when I am presented with a challenge, most often occurring in the classroom. My exploratory curiosity surfaces with a need to discover new things, leading me to try an array of unusual foods, travel to different places and wanting a better understanding for other cultures and ways of life. My hungry mind is fed by sitting back and observing the world around me. Unfortunately, this observatory way of life in which I act as more of a critical and analytic audience member than a lead role/lead actor/performer, comes with a tendency to shy away from interactions with unfamiliar people.

Among friends and family, I am an outspoken and sociable person. But otherwise, I have had a difficult time expressing my needs, questions I have, even what I would like to order off the menu. My shyness created a social barrier that deterred me from gaining new and different perspectives, receiving help from others who have more knowledge and information than I do, and...Thankfully, my mom, the most people-person I know, has encouraged me to act otherwise. As someone who deals with people everyday for her job, she has give me the opportunity to see, first hand, positive interactions among many types of people. Ever since I can remember, she has made me speak up for myself to help me get over my shyness and has left me with many experiences and lessons that I will remember and refer to for the rest of my life. Also, coming from a unique charter high school experience has allowed me to practice public speaking for the last four years through Presentations of Learning as alternatives to finals where we present what we have learned and skills we have gained throughout a semester to a panel of classmates and teachers.

Through these eye opening and maturing experiences/encounters, I have learned that working and dealing with people is not as scary as I previously thought it was. Through this realization, I have been able to better direct my curiosity so as not to be a mere observer, but rather someone who takes action upon what is observed. I have recently been able to use my inquisitive ways and use it for better purposes like expressing my opinions in the classroom and even helping to encourage others to speak out for their own discoveries. This makes me proud because I know other people have not gotten the kind of push and encouragement that I have gotten and I know that now I can go on to the real world and not be as afraid to communicate with strangers. It relates to the person I am because it reveals my determination to get over a fear I have and to be able to be more comfortable with my surroundings.
adrianpzamora 2 / 4 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #2
I think this is a very well-written essay! However, I feel you should rewrite your last sentence (it feels too direct) and remove "It relates to the person I am..."

Just a suggestion! (:


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