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TAMU Admission Essay B - important issue in my life


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Jan 8, 2010, 06:50am   #1
I want to know whether its good essay or not ! tell me your opinions about my essay~!

prompt- choose an issue of importance to you-- the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation

When I picture a future president in my mind, I see a gentleman with generous smile on his face. If I asked anyone to think of future president, would anyone picture a female president in their mind? I have no doubts that anyone will, because all of the formal presidents were males. I refer these biased opinions as the modern segregation, the segregation derived from human's biased mind.

The modern segregation is a paradox of human society. Even though we claim that everyone deserve freedom, we discriminate someone or some group that ought to be different with our perceptions. Also, whether it's the matter of race, age or gender, the modern segregation create certain limits upon those people who have the potential to go beyond the traditions.

During the 17th presidential election of South Korea, one candidate stood out among all the presidential candidates. Her name was Guen-Hye Park, an influential female politician who seemed to have great potential to become world's first female president. Even though many Koreans were supportive towards her, there were lots of opponents towards specially those who hated her as a female candidate. Apparently, there were countless revelations about her past and even some attempts of assassination, which were intended to exclude her from the election. Although those antis of Guen-Hye Park were seeking for a president who will provide them a better country with more opportunities and freedom, they didn't provide Guen-Hye freedom to pursue her dream to become a world's first female president but rather offended her based on their own beliefs.

So why does the modern segregation significant to me? It's the motivation force of my life. All of those invisible limitations that our society has created motivate me to work much harder and motivate me to become that person who can overcome other's perceptions. Thus, with my enthusiasms towards academic performance, I want to be the the one who can be a role model for future generation

Jan 8, 2010, 10:09am   #2
...I see a gentleman with a generous smile on his face. If I asked anyone to think of a future president, would anyone picture (imagine) a female president in their mind? I have no doubts that anyone will (you can also say: I can asure you that no one will).....

.... Even though we claim that everyone deserves freedom....
....the modern segregation creates certain limits upon those people who have the potential to go beyond the traditions.

....great potential to become the world's first female president. Even though many Koreans were supportive towards (I think that "towards" should be replaced with "of") her, there were lots of opponents towards her especially those who hated her as a the fact that she was a female candidate.
....who will provide them with a better country with that has more opportunities and freedom...
.....her dream to become a the world's first female president.....

So why does is the modern segregation significant to me?...
.....has created motivates me to work much harder hard and motivates me to become that person who can overcome other's perceptions. Thus, with my enthusiasms towards academic performance, I want to be the the one who can be a role model for the future ( you can say "next" or "following") generation.

Well, my personal opinion is that your essay is really fantastic. But I did find some gramatical errors and as you can see I tried to correct them. Hope I could help, and again this was a very interesting and well written essay.
Good job :)
P.S. I hope you can take a look at my essays and give me your opinion and correct any mistakes you see :)



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