Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
With people in the world becoming too much depending on what other people think and do, I want to be a person who is independent and a leader. So many individuals nowadays are becoming followers rather than leaders. With the age of technology and social media taking form, many people can now view their favorite celebrities or friends thoughts, ideas, like, dislikes, etc with just a click and they conform to these ideas. What I want to do is become my own person and lead rather than follow. I want to be the next great leader. I want to take my own path to my dreams and write my own story. At Syracuse University, you can be your own person. With great leadership opportunities such as "Student Leadership Institute" and the "Orange Seeds", Syracuse University is an excellent place to improve leadership skills. The next four years of living away from home at a school with a plethora of opportunities can help mold me into an individual who is a leader and confident of my own views. I also dream of making a difference in the community whether it be community service or leadership. Sometimes you forget how good you have it until you witness the struggles that some people face. Every day I am thankful for all that I have and the sacrifices that my parents have made. I would like to give back to the community and help the people that may not have it as well as I do. Giving back to the community by doing things such as volunteering can go a long way for these people. I know that Syracuse has an abundance of community service opportunities that can better me as a person in the future.
With people in the world becoming too much dependingdependent on what other people think and do, I want to be a person who is independent and a leader.
Might be more concise if you change the structure a bit: "In a world where people depend too much on what other people think and do, I want..."
SoIn fact, many individuals nowadays are becoming followers rather than leaders.
With the age of technology and social media taking form, many people can now view their favorite celebrities or friend' s thoughts, ideas, like, how about "interests" instead of "likes, dislikes? That way you can have a complete list rather than __, ___, ___, etc. dislikes, etc with just a click and they conform to these ideas.
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What I want to do is become my own person and lead rather than follow. I want to be the next great leader. I want to take my own path to my dreams<-- a bit awkward and write my own story.
At Syracuse University, you can be your own person.<--This is what you're main point is right? If this is your main point, it might help the reader to have it earlier in the paper.
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With great leadership opportunities such as "Student Leadership Institute" and the "Orange Seeds", Syracuse University is an excellent place to improve leadership skills. The next four years of living away from home at a school with a plethora of opportunities can help mold me into an individual who is a leader and confident of my own views. I also dream of making a difference in the community whether it be community service or leadership. Sometimes you forget how good you have it until you witness the struggles that some people face. Every day I am thankful for all that I have and the sacrifices that my parents have made. I would like to give back to the community and help the people that may not have it as well as I do. Giving back to the community by doing things such as volunteering can go a long way for these people. I know that Syracuse has an abundance of community service opportunities that can better me as a person in the future.
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Not bad! I like how you interpreted the question. I also really like your introduction about technology; it is a good hook to the paper and true!
Some easy tips I have for you are as follows:
1) If you can, divide your response into mini-paragraphs. When I read, I find it harder to read large paragraphs. (It might just be me though.) I would divide the response into different ideas where I put the dashes.
2) It might also help the reader if you have your thesis, which is that you want to be a leader rather than a conformist, sooner in the response, rather than having it later. Your audience for this response may be a group of college admissions officers who look at a lot of students' writing in one day, so you may want to get to the main point right as they start reading.
A harder tip:
I think that you could work on your voice a bit to make it a bit more formal and concise, but I do not really have any tips for improving voice except practicing and reading.
