Hi,
I have to submit this essay in few hours. So, guys could you help with my essay. How does it sound ? Any criticism is welcomed. Should I add anything ? I can about 120 words. And I cannot decide what Commonapp promt to chose for the essay. What do you think should it be #1(some students story close to their background) or #5 (event marked transition from childhood to adulthood)?
It was fine summer morning, the sun shone bright through windows, birds were singing somewhere in our garden, as they sang their voices mingled with rustling of leaves under gusts of warm, summer wind. Elsewhere, rooster was calling people to get up and enjoy the morning. All these sounds mixing together created pleasant cacophony.
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after edits:
It was fine summer morning, the sun was shining bright through windows, birds were singing somewhere in our garden. As they sang their voices mingled with the rustling of leaves under gusts of warm, summer wind. Elsewhere, rooster was crowing for people to get up and enjoy the morning. All these sounds mixing together created pleasant cacophony. It was an idyllic morning, and there was no sign of a storm coming.
Early in the morning phone rang. Dad answered it. As he did, I saw an immediate change in his countenance. I, in my childish frolic, asked who called. He did not answer. Having called my aunt to look after me and my brother, Dad went out. He came back an hour later, he looked sad, his eyes were reddened and there was no sign of the morning happiness he had had. He talked to my aunt a little, infecting her with his sadness, then, he approached me to tell two simple words that changed course of my life forever: "Mother died". Later, I realized consequences of this event.
My duties at home increased tenfold. All of a sudden, I became responsible for things I have never done before. From an early age I learned to wash my clothes manually, iron, cook, and many other skills that even some adults do not possess. I remember days I spent sitting on a cold kitchen floor, peeling vegetables my Dad would use to cook promptly some meal that he would usually finish in the midnight.
With the extra work at home came tremendous struggles in elementary school. I could hardly keep my sleepless eyes on the teacher and decipher what she was saying in Russian that I barely knew then. For three years I attended after school sessions to receive help with my schoolwork. These sessions pushed me forward greatly and have instilled into me the importance of paying back to community. Since then I have come to realize that there could be others who are also in need of help and I decided for myself to be the one who will give a helping hand.
Despite lonely days and intense emotional pressure, I do not regret those adversities of my early years. On the contrary, I am very thankful for them; they have shaped me into who I am today. Had it not been for my childhood experiences, I would not have matured so fast and so early. Instead of constantly whining, which would lead me to emotional debacle, I learned to perceive all adversities I went through as an opportunity; they have taught me how to deal with difficulties and how to turn them into opportunities to grow and change. Being alone at home and doing everything on my own helped me develop strong sense of independence. Through that home labour I learned the importance of hard working, and I learned to appreciate other peoples' work. I found those tedious household duties useful because they expanded my comfort zone, forcing me to get out it and do what I never liked. It was then that leaned the true meaning of the old Chinese adage: "Always seek bright side of everything. If there is no bright side, then rub it until it brightens." So, I rub it. I have been rubbing. And I am still rubbing.
While the essay needs to be edited fro grammar, redundancy, and tightened for content, I can safely tell you that the paper you developed safely falls under the "transition from child to adulthood". It shows a life altering event that definitely would force you to take on more responsibility for yourself and your family, and learn how to handle serious situations that children should not have to face at such a tender age. I feel that you need to highlight the sense of responsibility that you developed over time because of the household and school duties that you had to be responsible for, since there was no mother to help you out. Highlight the lessons that you learned as you faced failures and difficulties in order to give more supporting details to your claim towards the end that these experiences not only helped you learn about responsibility, but also helped you to become the better person that you are today.
I'd be glad to help you with the editing once the final content of the paper is done. Please refer to the suggestions I made regarding the way the paper was written and how it can be improved. Apply the necessary changes and then post the new version here so that we can edit it. What I would like to do is strengthen the paper and clarify some points that seem weak in the essay before the editing of the grammatical and sentence structure errors are done. I basically asked you to strengthen the lessons that you learned from the death of your mother and explain how the loss of your mother helped you develop a more mature mindset and realize that you needed to take more responsibility for yourself and your family. By doing so, the transition discussion in the essay will be completed. Applying the changes will strengthen the paper and make it ready for final editing.
