Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am in desperate need of help - This is my first draft starting from free association because I couldn't think of anything to write. Does this connect to the prompt in anyway? Please help. I'm lost. -___- Thank you sooooo much in advance!
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Sugar and spice and everything nice.
These are the three ingredients I am made of. My mom is the sugar, my dad is the spice, and my mom also happens to be everything nice.
My mom and I laugh with each other, cry from each other, and yell at each other. But the one thing we have never done is walk out on each other. It's taken me 17 long years to realize how important she is to me; she is my closest friend. When I tore my ACL, MCL, and meniscus in my knee during a volleyball game sophomore year, she was right there to take me to the hospital. Subsequent to my knee surgery, I was bedridden for a week; my mom was there for me in a heartbeat. She has been the only person to support me regardless of the situation, and for that she has all of my respect. She is the nicest, strongest, and most sincere woman I have ever come in contact with. I am proud to say that I am the product of my mother. She has taught me how to be generous, understanding, loyal, loving, and supportive.
My dad and I have always gotten along. I remember running down the aisles of Nordstrom Rack, I yelled, "Daddy! These are the shoes I'm going to marry you in!" At the young age of 4, I wanted to marry my dad. (I know it was so cute) My dad is my hero; all of my earliest memories have involved him. As I've gotten older, we've started to butt heads a lot more, and have gotten in a few heated discussions. My dad is a feisty one, like me. My mom always said, "You are you're fathers daughter" and I agree with that; we are both stubborn, humorous, and a tad sarcastic. My dad and I have a special bond that could never be replaced. He dad has taught me to stand up for myself, to take calculated risks, and to be assertive where appropriate.
The lessons I've learned, characteristics I've modeled from my parents are the reason why I aspire to be a psychologist. I want to understand how the mind works. I hope to focus on family therapy because I feel that the building blocks to a person's success are their family. The experiences I have gone through with my parents are what have made me, me. I am the product of my mother, and my father's daughter.
I think your beginning our beginning is not so adequate. It did not work as a lead of the passage, because it make me confuse.
You may also talk more about your dream and aspiration. You only had two sentence talked about it. So if you can talk more about why " building blocks to a person's success are their family.". it would be better.
Only advise
hi, i like your essay very much but I remember that our school's counselors told us that it is better to not use cute sentences (your first few sentences), and write a formal college level essay.
Yeah I agree with both of you, I tried to make it semi personal but it turned out too casual/indirect. Thank you guys for your advice!
hello,
dear sir i am a student a (f.a) in pakistan . and i want more education in other country.but i like in italy very much . my wishes that am apply in admission in italy.i hope that i wanna got admission in italy.
thanks for you.
Hi,
Personally, I like your introduction. Think of the reader's point of view. I mean, reading essay after essay, things tend to get a bit trite and repetitive. Do you have a maximum word count because the essay's a bit too short. Plus you're all over the place. I get the need to talk about your parents and how they've guided you to where you are, but you're giving a lot of reasons and not enough examples. Do you get what I mean? Like try to pick one or two qualities that they've taught you and expand on them. Otherwise, I find the essay as a whole a bit pedestrian. Another note, the essay seems to be filled with a lot of "I" "you" "me". Try to use less personal pronouns. On another note, then essay did answer the prompt, so just worry about expanding and explaining and you should be fine. I hope I helped!
hi
I think ur off the topic. The dreams and aspirations should be the focus. Also it can't b this casual. u have used 'product' too often.
Describing ur rel with ur parents like this makes u dependent which may work negatively.
Try to put in some negative aspects like bad rel, social probs, cultural issues as a child which inspire/ motivate u to be a Psychologist
