I know I haven't cleared up the spelling and the potential grammar issue but correct em anyways. Let me know just so that I know if the prompt follows. Feedbacks and comments! Thanks!
Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded," is part of a famous quote that comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson and it defines what success can be. By today's definition, however, success has lost its intrinsic meaning over the years. The connotated term has been solely defined by the amount material wealth people possess.
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I have already done the revision but if you could take a look. that'd be great.
Let me know if it flows well and is organized. And most importantly, does it answer the prompt in a well-manner?
Good evening :)
I think that you should elaborate a bit further as to the last sentence. I don't think you should begin a new paragraph, just expound a little bit further on this paradigm. Also, in your last paragraph, how do these experiences make you proud?
The rest of the piece is great; very descriptive, yet not too much. It is structured well and organized nicely; it is easy to read and flows smoothly. Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks for the advice!
I'm sort of limited on the word counts and I did realize on what you said. Well, i
m not sure how to elaborate on the proud part. And do you think I should get rid of the first paragraph with the quotes to do so?
BTW, would it be ok if I show you my final draft? perhaps early tonight? its fine if you get back to me the next day.
I think this fits better, personally. I didn't include explain about the paradigm because Im assuming that the readers know what I meant by paradigm. What do you think? I have included the proud part but that isn't really sure either. ummmm other than that, I think its not so vague with my last sentence. Otherwise, any suggestions?
As a one-and-a-half generation Korean immigrant, I went through grade schools encountered by cultural and linguistic differences. Only way to overcome these adversities was to persevere and grow thirsty for more knowledge. I slept next to piles of books as it filled the feeling of void scarred by my parents who were never at home, too busy with their jobs, since the age of ten. This was what success meant to me as long as I could remember- to never cease learning and further strive to attain what I wanted. Through my interactions within the community, however, I have come to realization that success and happiness in life is more than what meets the eyes.
My first mission trip took place during the summer prior to my sophomore year in high school. After months of diligent planning, my team, composed of members from my church, soon found ourselves on our way to Fresno, California. The July sun shone through the windows of our church van, sufficed by the long and dull road throughout the ride. Frustrated, our rants were silenced for hours in hopes to escape from the dreaded thoughts of heat. We were welcomed by the Fresno Korean Presbyterian church upon our arrival. There we settled down our bags, relaxed and clueless to the changes that would happen to us for the remaining seven days of the mission trip.
On the following morning, we were back on the road. Another twenty-minute drive from the downtown area to the outskirt part of the Fresno led us to an ethnic enclave of Lao people. From there, we arrived at its local community center where we were introduced to the volunteers, elders, and the children. Most of the people did not know how to speak English, yet they still greeted us with their genuine smiles. Throughout the rest of the trip, we performed the tasks we were assigned to as groups. As one of the activities coordinators, my primary responsibility was to create myriad of recreational games for children from ages nine to eleven. Though I felt overwhelmed by the responsibilities I was given, my worries sank away as the children flourished their innocent smiles to our tedious games that we had planned for hours. I felt even more joyous and fulfilled when the kids opened up to us about their lives and found comfort, at least for few hours, as we spent the precious times together. Despite such different culture, values, and the norms we had come from, the new experience of helping others taught me a valuable lesson, that there is more to life than the paradigm humans live well within.
Since the mission trip, I have had many valuable opportunities to play a role in my community as I felt the need to show my gratitude by means of giving it back to the world that I was born into. As a teacher and a leader, I have taught children's ministry and served as a youth leader at my church for the remaining years of high school. In addition, I was given the opportunity to serve at a local soup kitchen in my first year in college. Perhaps "proud" may not be the appropriate word, but accomplished I am of the time, commitment, and the joy I was able to contribute wholeheartedly. Thus, the experience of my first mission trip shaped into a life philosophy I live by as the current economic crisis in America has proved to me that today's definition of success is quite temporary and insatiable. Opposed to the common dreams of success, my success is not characterized by the amount of wealth and power in possession, but by display of my virtues in surrender for the well-being of the world and the people.
Excellent!
I like the changes very much; the last paragraph is much improved and answers all facets of their question. Very nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
i just wanted to say, thanks so much for your time!
