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STUCK - World View Essay, Feedback please?


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Hey everyone, my name is Roger. I'm not a great essay writer so if you have any suggestions on how I can alter this, they would be greatly appreciated.


Imagine the earliest days of your childhood, when you were so young, everyone around you knew more than you did and you absorbed what they said like a shammy cloth. Do you think the person you are today has not been formed by others around you? Of course you have. No one on this earth is truly their own person; they are molded by the opinions and statements of those they love or look up to, and even those they don't. Generation after generation views and ideologies evolve.
Growing up alongside others and living a life as other people simultaneously live theirs is often an overlooked an unappreciated reality. We have our views and opinions because of others; the human connection is a very complex one, and this is not to say that we aren't all individuals. We have the power and logical ways of thinking to be able to take what we know and what we have learned and pick and choose how we portray ourselves in a unique way. We have to power to be kind to one another and to support others in times of confusion or need and help our species to thrive. We are born selfish, but while we grow up on our civilized planet we often have an overabundance of food, money, and material things, and the desire to help less fortunate people with the excess often grows. Not because we are told to, but because we would want others to help us if we needed it. If someone is in need of a friend, talk to them. If someone needs consoling, console them. If someone is lost, help them find their own way. It gives us a certain satisfaction when we help others; we begin to feel better about whom we are. In a sense, couldn't one argue that our generosity may exist for selfish reasons?
Whatever the motive is, we need to continue helping each other because we are all connected somehow, and many people drift away from what is most important in life; coexisting with everybody else. So this is my perspective of the world and society in 2010, as a citizen, an individual, but most importantly, as a human being.

Jan 25, 2010, 04:17pm   #2
Maybe state the questions in a statement.

"Do you think the person you are today has not been formed by others around you? Of course you have."

You can form both of these into one statement.

"couldn't one argue that our generosity may exist for selfish reasons"

Maybe: one could argue......
Okay, it is written beautifully, but I think the first few lines should be written in the first person perspective instead of the second person perspective.

I imagine the earliest days of my childhood, when ...

I think that way sounds more endearing and persuasive.

Throughout the whole thing, I think you should try it in the first person perspective.

Even down here:
If someone is in need of a friend, I will talk to them. If someone needs consoling, I'll console them. If someone is lost, I will help them find their own way.

And I think it will be better this way, as you talk about yourself instead of the reader. But, don't you think it will be better if you describe a specific plan? Describe a plan for your next five years.

:-)



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