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Personal statement (interest in how things work)


ruud 1 / -  
Oct 10, 2009   #1
I am trying to write a personal statement, but my English is not good enough.
Can someone please help me rewrite in "correct english" ??

personal statement

Ever Since my childhood I have been fascinated by the mechanism by which devices function. I have always had a strong interest in how things work.

I recall often opening numerous devices to observe the contraptions that lay within.

A natural choice cause of my interests for mechanics, was taking classes
and become a car mechanic. After 3 years of education I became certified in 1995. After that I have worked with cars for several years. The first years after graduating I was employed at a dealer, and the last years I have been running my own workshop.

I like to restore cars and build race cars, so I have spent several hours in the workshop on this in addition to regular maintenance on vehicles.

This have given me an insight of the engineering behind cars and has increased my enthusiasm to study engineering at university.
I have come to see engineering as a career that can satisfy and further develop my interests.

Recent years I have had a strong desire to study abroad for a period, and I see this as an opportunity to satisfy that desire. Australia has always been one of my most desired destinations, and QUT has a good reputation.

I also see this as a great opportunity to improve my English language skills, and gain valuable overseas experience.
I also hope I will benefit career wise after studying abroad.

Although at the moment I intend to complete my degree in mechanical engineering, and hopefully get a career within a international company
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 10, 2009   #2
The essay isn't too bad. It's sort of impressive that you've run your own workshop, and your desire to study engineering seems to have emerged naturally out of your life experiences.

Your first paragraph, though, is so vague and general that you need to either rewrite it using much more specific details, or else cut it altogether.

Grammatically, you can strengthen your work by paying closer attention to tenses and the consistent use of formal diction, while also avoiding passive constructions:

"A natural choice cause of my interests for mechanics, was taking classes
and become a car mechanic.
After 3 years of education I became a certified car mechanic in 1995. After that, I have worked with cars for several years. The first years after graduating, I was employed at a car dealershipfor several years, before leaving to start, and the last years I have been running my own workshop in XXXX ." Fill in the correct year for the XXXX, obviously.


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