Personal statement for Endeavour Awards - Electrical Engineering in Bhutan

Question: Please provide a personal statement supporting your application.[Maximum 200 words]

My essay:

As the time approached for me to set my personal and professional goals, I made a careful decision to enter a field which would provide me with a sense of accomplishment and produce a positive influence to my country as well. It became apparent to me that the study of electrical engineering would fulfill these objectives. My constant commitment towards achievement of the goals and being one of the outstanding students helped me obtaining scholarship to pursue undergraduate course in Electrical Engineering in Bhutan. Learning a lot about fundamental concepts of electricity made me even more motivated to explore further on the field. At college, I was academically ranked first in my class in the year two and I was among three of twenty six students in the class who could complete the course without failing in any unit throughout the course. After graduation, I got privilege to work in a mega hydropower company in Bhutan. Over the years in service, I came across lot of challenges and issues related electrical system. I am very much looking forward for the Endeavour Awards in overcoming these challenges through further development of my technical and leadership skills studying in Australia.

Kindly review and correct my essay, please.

The whole 'benefit to my country' is completely overplayed. Remove it
I think discussing your work experience, rather than your rankings (which I am assuming would be listed elsewhere in your application), would be more relevant and useful for your Personal Statement