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Statement of Purpose - computers, IT

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Could anyone please review this Statement of Purpose? Thank You!

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Statement of Purpose

My association with computers began long before people of my age could lay their hands on one. My father told me that my tryst(try to use another word like history or sth) with technology began since I was four years old, when I opened the equipment screws using a screw driver from my father's toolkit. I have keenly inherited my father's love for technology, as he being an Electronics Engineering Graduate used to assemble and repair various electronic equipment including personal desktop computers at our home during his spare time. Needless to say that he has been my greatest inspiration all through my life.
My aim for applying to the graduate program in Management Information Systems is to train myself to be a business analyst in the Information Technology industry. My long term objective is to venture into technology management consultation. I envision myself leading a team helping organizations to develope strategies through efficient technology management and planning. A Masters in Information Systems in The Carnegie Mellon University would be the crucial step in achieving my goal.

My interest and curiosity in computers grew when we got a computer in our house at the time when I was merely five. I played my first computer game on DOS when I was only six. A computer found its way into our house at a time when these machines were hardly available at work places. I was exhilarated when our school offered us computers as a subject during my third grade. Seeing my dedication, my teachers encouraged me to help them conduct practical sessions for my class. I ranked first in the primary section of the school for 'Computers'. My knowledge of computers not only helped me academically but also helped in numerous other projects which I participated in and won during my entire school life.

My proficiency with computers and immense interest in the subject, right from the early stages of my life, prompted me to pursue studies in the field of computers. After completing my high school education, I secured admission in one of the best colleges in the city of Mumbai (Shri Bhagubhai Mafatlal Polytechnic) for a three year course leading to a Diploma in Computer Engineering.

My academic dedication fructified during my first year and got me the first rank in my class. During the course of the program we studied subjects such as C, DBMS, Microprocessors, System programming where I was usually always the first to complete practical assignments and secure the highest marks in practical examinations. In my final year, 'System Programming' inspired me to a great extent enabling me to step beyond the syllabus to program the first phase of an assembly language compiler using the C language.

The project work for my final year diploma was developing a Hospital Management System for a medium sized hospital. As the group leader for my project team, I handled various aspects of the project from coding to final testing and documentation. My project was lauded(word use: try ranked, praised, etc) to be one of the best projects in the institute.

After securing a top 10 percentile score in my diploma, I gained an admission to one of the oldest and most revered technical institutions of India, V.J.T.I. and managed to secure one among the three seats offered to diploma students for direct admission to the second year of the Bachelor's program in engineering. Having acquired a strong base in hardware and software fundamentals during the Diploma program, I am now sure that I want to get into the heart of computing and learn software. Therefore, I've opted for Information Technology.

My eventful life at V.J.T.I. began when I delivered my first Technical Paper Presentation on Computer aided Language Learning during the technical festival, "Technovanza". During the course of the next year, Nanotechnology and DNA computing was gathering momentum as a new technological advance in the field of computing and data storage. I was curious to know about this new technology so I attended a national level seminar on "New Trends in Nanotechnology" after which I presented a paper on the same at the IEEE Technical Paper Presentation at my college.

V.J.T.I. provided me with a lot of opportunities to demonstrate my leadership and managerial capabilities. I had the opportunity to organize many events at our annual Sports festival "Enthusia" and the cultural festival of my college, "Pratibimb". My interest and proficiency in creating and managing database applications, gave me the opportunity to consolidate the entire V.J.T.I. alumni database and develop a front end application to access and maintain the database easily.

In the fourth semester, I designed an integrated chat and organizer in JAVA for which I scored a GPA of 10, the highest in my class. My interest and love for managing information also got me the post of a Library Manager for the Association of Computer Enthusiasts (ACE) in my college. Currently I am developing an Information Management System for efficient event management and data retrieval for ACE.

During the third year of my Bachelor's program, a few of my classmates and I started the Entrepreneurship Cell (E-Cell) in V.J.T.I. I was later assigned the post of Technical Head for the E-Cell. During my tenure, I established the database and messaging system. In August 2008, I got the opportunity to represent my college at the E-Cell Student Exchange program held at Dr. D. Y. Patil University.

Beyond college, my skills and interest in the 'C' language landed me a summer job to teach 'C' at a private computer institute. During my summer holidays I developed a complete data management and billing system for my dentist. I was also made the database administrator for MENSA India soon after qualifying the MENSA test with 99+ percentile and becoming a life member.

My love for troubleshooting made me successfully disinfected, repair and recover data from many of my college computers for staff and students and configure antivirus measures to prevent further losses. The LAN for the Humanities Department of V.J.T.I. was also setup and configured successfully by me.

For my final year project, our project group decided to do something very different, something that had never been attempted at the undergraduate level. It was decided that our task is to create an input devices-free computer, eliminating components such as the mouse and the keyboard. Our final year project titled "Finger Mouse" is being designed to enable users to control and navigate the computer using only their fingers. The ultimate goal of our project is to benefit the less educated and disabled persons to use the computer with ease. The system could also be implemented at networked kiosks for various purposes eliminating the efforts towards maintenance or replacement of touch screens and other input devices.

During the time that I spent as a student in this college I feel that I have learnt many new concepts and put them into application. After careful introspection(do you mean inspection?), I am determined to become a successful entrepreneur to benefit society through the use of technology. Therefore, I feel that after gaining all the technical knowledge, I must now build up my entrepreneurial and managerial skills, and I feel that the MISM program at the Heinz College at The Carnegie Mellon University has the right mix of technical as well as managerial techniques which will drive me towards my goal. Moreover, the facilities, scholarship, and traditions of The Carnegie Mellon University, combined with the caliber of the student's body, make me confident that I will be stimulated throughout the course of my studies. Upon graduating from MISM, a variety of options are available for pursuing my objectives. Pursuing a graduate degree in the field of Information Systems Management with tireless concentrated efforts and unshakeable dedication will surely drive me towards my goal.
Hi Sharon,

This is SO impressive. I like how you end the first paragraph with a clear sentence about your desire to attend Carnegie Mellon. We can improve the essay by switching the order of the 2nd and 3rd sentences, so that the second sentence starts with "I have keenly inherited," and the 3rd sentence is "My father told me He told me...

How about we change the first sentence. The way it is now, it sounds confusing. How about: My association with computers began long before I was old enough to be trusted alone with them.

Then there is also this, where "as he being" is not correct:

...inherited my father's love for technology, as he being an Electronics Engineering

Try this:

My father is an Electronics Engineering Graduate who assembles and repairs various electronic equipment, including personal desktop computers at our home during his spare time. and I have keenly inherited his love for technology.


During the time I am spending as a Carnegie Mellon student, I feel that I have learnt and applied many new concepts. After careful introspection...

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