hi guys
im really not sure about this but i needed to start somewhere and i know it still needs a lot of work but how is it so far?
The mind is a beautiful abstract concept yet Stanford is a beautiful reality, as well as campus (does the reference to the campus sound awkward?) , where the abstract mind is allowed to flourish. The abstract mind has unlimited capacity yet Stanford boasts a vast amount of resources (20 libraries!!!) to fill some of that unlimited capacity. The mind is inclined to see a certain way but Stanford's liberal and diverse student body allows the mind to punch a hole in its walls and peer out at a collection of the greatest minds. The mind will never be completely understood but Stanford, as a research institution, provides the opportunity for the mind to explore and expand its capabilities, whether those capabilities are good or bad (Stanford Prison Experiment!!!). The mind can be very spontaneous and what better place for spontaneity than Stanford (Stanford band)? I am a mind who belongs in Stanford. (do I sound arrogant?)
do i talk about stanford enough or do i need more specifics?
should it be longer?
thank you
I think I don't understand fully what you are trying to convey with this, however I can see that you focussed only on Stanford's aspects, but I think the promp is why do you think Stanford is good for YOU! You described why it is good for anybody, try to make this more personal!
Hope this help!
i was trying to use the "mind" to describe me but you're right; it could go for anyone
thanks ill work on that
Hello=D Thx for helping me.
Erm, my concern over this essay is also similar to Jhopselyn. If you will stick to your 'mind' metaphor, then I think indicating this representation at the beginning of the essay will be better, since it's much clearer what you are referring to.
In addition to what Jhopselyn said, I think it will be even better if you include some detailed aspects of Stanford, with regards to your major. For example, for business students, they can refer to the opportunity offered in the silicon valley.
If possible, I will ask you to cut one or two points away from your essay. Because I know the darn word count is there and you really need space for examples and details. If i were you I will cut the beauty of Stanford part.
Your essay starts from a different perspective, this definitely makes your essay stand out, now you need to work on making it solid. I am sure you will get there!
To me, the whole structure of your response does not click. More than abstract, it is unclear.
The mind is a beautiful abstract concept yet Stanford is a beautiful reality...
The beginning is a bit iffy. Try "The mind is a beautiful,abstract concept;whereas Stanford is a beautiful reality-a place where the abstract mind can flourish.
(20 libraries!!!)if you want to keep the exclamation points, don't use up to 3. Settle with just one instead. And maybe more like "(up totwenty libraries!" [/quote]
Personally, I'm not a big fan of this "my mind" vs "the mind" thing. And while I did enjoy the intro, I'm not sure that is essay will be creative & unique in exactly the way Stanford is searching for. However, here are some more suggestions for the rest of the essay:
My mindOne of the main things that worries me about the WAY it is written, not exactly WHAT is writtten, is that you keep giving your mind & the mind humanistic characterics...it seems a little too risque. is excited at the prospect of ...
The mind is inclined to see a certain waya certain perspective. or "in a certain way" but Stanford's liberal and ...I like the imagery here
... especially knowing that Stanford admits students with character and opinions...that STanford students possess character... . My mind can be very spontaneous and what better place for spontaneityuse a syn. for spontaneous so it's not the same word 2x in a sent. than Stanford (Stanford band)?don't forget to get rid of the parenthesized part! Unless you are asking us a question about it? B/c otherwise, I'm not sure why it's there. The mind will never be completely understood.butHowever, Stanford, as a research institution, (...) (Stanford Prison Experiment!!!)same thing here with the exc. points. I know what exp. you are referring to, but I don't think it would be wise to mention the neg. aspects of Stanford- or atleast questionable. B/c you want them to accept you, so it's more sucking up than calling them out. But save it for like an interview! It's a good thought :) . I am a mind who belongs in Stanford and- one that cannot wait to become a down to earth redwood if Redwood is the mascot than capitalisize it yet soaring high as a cardinal.
I like the idea, however I'm not sure if this is clear enough/what they want. Give it a little work, and I'm sorry if I sounded too critical, just trying to help you out!
Best of luck!
thank you for the insight Jasmine
i will attempt to work on the "mind" thing a bit more before i completely scrap the idea
