Hi guys,
I am currently a rising senior who is practicing writing for college applications. My dream school is Stanford so I have been writing some drafts based on their supplemental prompts.
Please read it and critique it as harshly as you can. I want this essay ripped apart if possible!
Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. 250 Word Limit.
Downtown was abuzz with excitement - the Clippers were playing that afternoon and it seemed like all of Los Angeles had turned up to watch. A short walk away at the LA Convention Center, the air too was electrifying. This year, over 1,700 students walked through the doors of the Los Angeles Convention Center for the 2014 Intel International Science and Engineering Fair. For me, it was a sneak peek of what the future has to offer.
2014's keynote speaker was Mick Ebeling and his message to the contestants was that "Nothing is Impossible." "The Future is Bright!" he exclaimed. Strolling through the Grand Hall, I couldn't help but agree. I stopped in front of project MA032 and listened as the competitor spoke about Monte Carlo protein folding. Just 10 years ago it would have been inconceivable that a student could model amino acid interactions on their laptop, but then again, nothing is impossible. I suddenly felt a sense of belonging. Everyone here had a thirst for knowledge, and the determination to quench it. For one brief week, we were one entity, moving singularly towards a better future and transcending cultural and language divides. Our youthful energy drives us every day to break the bounds of possible, to stride boldly into the territory of impossible, and proclaim, "What's next?" Though I did not win any awards, merely attending ISEF profoundly changed my hopes for tomorrow. The Future is Bright with us at the helm. Scratch that. The Future is Brilliant.
" their laptop, but then again, nothing is impossible." change the wording, how about "their laptop, but as Ebeling said, nothing is impossible." something like that. relate this back to the idea that nothing is impossible is the motto of the convention and the point of your essay.
" I suddenly felt a sense of belonging." what about, "In this moment I felt a sense of belonging" or "This is when I realized this is where I belonged." show that you do belong, not that you think or feel you do.
"Everyone here had a thirst for knowledge, and the determination to quench it." either hook this on to your last sentence or change it to something like "Like me, Everyone here had a thirst for knowledge, and the determination to quench it." show that this is what makes you belong
"one brief week, we " remove comma
"we were one entity, moving singularly towards a better future and transcending cultural and language divides." I am in LOVE with this line!!! keep it! it is beautifully worded and really speaks volumes
"d proclaim, "What's next?" " add a period after the quote.
I really love everything about this essay! You are a talented writer and I think this essay shows a lot of great qualities about you. I love the last line! My boyfriend goes to stanford and absolutely loves it, I wish you the best! Please look at my writing when you have a chance.
Thanks for your great feedback!
How well do you think the topic matches with the prompt? The phrase "Intellectual Vitality" is pretty vague so I think what I have can mesh well with it.
I agree with baileynmerrill's suggestions, and with the sentiment that this is very well written. And I do think this fits the idea of intellectual vitality. The only thing is that the prompt states that your idea/experience should be "important to your intellectual development." So are you trying to emphasize the ideas (Nothing is impossible, The future is bright), or the ISEF experience? Because you already had the ideas in you; they led you to do the research and whatever necessary to get to ISEF (in which case I'd like more background about how those ideas developed). But the competition itself was so recent that I can't really see how it's helped you grow.
I'm trying to get the ideas across. The ISEF experience was fun and all, but it was only 5 days. Not much intellectual development in those 5 days I'm afraid.
Yeah, you're right. But you write, "merely attending ISEF profoundly changed my hopes for tomorrow." And you don't talk about how you've developed the mindset to dream and explore and create and break the boundaries of the possible, or what your specific interests are. Your essay can still culminate with ISEF, or how you found all these people who share the same mindset, but if your point isn't the competition, it might not be best to make it the focus of your essay.
If I were to go over it again (as I definitely will), how can I change this essay to better reflect on the developmental side of things? I think it would be a hard sell to go from the development of the mindset to ISEF in a few sentences.
Let me see... Attending ISEF is kind of the fruit of your "intellectual development." So integrating the development with ISEF might work if you "reflect" back on how you got to that point, then go into how maybe ISEF put into words the thirst for discovery you had all along, or how for the first time, you realized you were part of a community of like-minded students and professionals. You don't have to go too deep into how you came to believe that nothing is impossible, the future is bright, etc., I think. You just have to explain how those ideas have pushed you in your research. It will definitely take some tinkering with what you have, but I think it's doable.
