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Being the only South Asian child in the australian neighborhood - USF UNDERGRADUATE COLLEGE ESSAY


shamrazaman 1 / 1  
Oct 19, 2014   #1
Hi there, I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my University of South Florida (USF) college essay. Anything I need to add or change or get rid of??? Thanks so much, I appreciate it :)

I currently volunteer in the Pediatric unit at the Regina General Hospital and the Wascana Rehabilitation Centre, a nursing home. During my volunteering hours, I interact with various individuals from newborns to seniors. I also assist nurses with daily jobs from feeding an infant to organizing documents. As a volunteer at the hospital, I also converse with the various doctors. This gives me a general understanding of occupations in the medical field. Overall, not only has volunteering at the hospital and the nursing home given me a greater sense of medicinal careers, but it has also taught me responsibility and rationality within the healthcare field.

By the time I reached working-age, I attained a job at a healthcare clinic called Broadway Medical Clinic as a receptionist. I currently hold the same job. Throughout my job experience, I interact with people outside my own immediate environment. I encounter varied natures of people, in various moods, with different attitudes and values. By having a job, I am able to experience a diverse set of problems, which helped me enhance my critical thinking and problem solving skills. As a result of conversing with the different people in society it has wholly expanded my worldview. Overall, my work experience has taught me indispensible life skills including patience with people, responsibility, and time management.

In Campbell Collegiate, I have been involved in various school clubs and activities. Presently, I am part of the debate club, the social justice club, and the dance team. During my experience as part of the debate team, I learned to enhance my public-speaking skills. It has also encouraged me to keep up do date with current events throughout my immediate society and the world as a whole. As a part of the social justice club, my peers and I raise awareness of the poverty-stricken environment. We assist our community by providing shelter for underprivileged families through fundraisers. As a club, we also fundraise for third-world countries that later on assist with building schools and homes throughout rural villages. Inclusively, my high school involvement has helped me associate with peers that I share mutual interests and passions with.

The past three years of my life have given me greater visions of my future. Furthermore, being involved in clubs and having a job has taught me self-control and time management skills. Additionally, helping my community and the world has helped me realize that life is not just about always having fun or making money, it is also about making a difference in someone else's life or world. Moreover, not only has being involved enhanced my personal growth, but it has also permitted me to meet various people with vivacious perspectives. Overall, I see the University of South Florida as a large book with many unread chapters and myself as an eager child who had just learned to read. I intend to read and probe into all the chapters. The University of South Florida offers me more than the great reputation of this fine school, but a large student body with diversity, and many activities, both academic and non-academic, to participate in. With the help of the University of South Florida, I will be successful after college and be able to make a name and place for myself in our society.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 20, 2014   #2
Shamra, I have some points for you to consider in order to strengthen you essay :-)

- Shamra, since you are writing an application essay, you do not need such a flowery introduction. Talk directly about the activities being asked because the admissions officer does not have time to waste wading through 2 paragraphs of introductory information. You could lose the reader by the time he starts the second paragraph. That would be highly detrimental to your application. Since you could not have possibly done any real sort of community service, one that had an impact on other people at the age of 7, you can skip that part. Just start talking about the community service that you did which impacted other people's lives.

, in addition to a job at a local bakery as a barista.

- It is always best to keep a theme in your essay. Make sure that all of the work experience and volunteer experience that you present relate to your desired major. That way you can build the foundation of your intention to become a particular type of person in the future. Since the barista part is only an additional job, is is superfluous and unnecessary.

During my experience as part of the debate team, I have learned to enhance my public-speaking skills.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 21, 2014   #3
Shamra, I have a suggestion. Flip the position of the below paragraphs. That way you have your introduction in chronological order instead of doing a flashback. It is important to make sure that you show your work and skills development in the correct order.

Place "By the time I reached working age" above "I currently volunteer". That is the correct placement of these paragraphs and makes the essay less confusing to read :-)
OP shamrazaman 1 / 1  
Oct 21, 2014   #4
@vangiespen
Okay that sounds good!
Is there anything else I would have to change, add, or get rid of???
I will be submitting this tomorrow, so I want it to be polished.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 23, 2014   #5
Hi Shamra, I don't think there is anything else that needs to be corrected or added to this essay. That is just my opinion though and should not be the sole basis of whether you submit this essay or not tomorrow. What you should do now is sleep on this version of the essay and then read it again in the morning. Consider all the factors that the prompt requires you to answer and then make sure that you and I have not missed anything in the process of editing the paper. Once you are satisfied that the requirements of the paper have been met, do one final proof reading for any grammatical or punctuation errors. Having completed that and finding nothing further to correct or add on your part, you can consider the essay ready for submission :-)
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Oct 23, 2014   #6
Firstly , well done!
Secondly, attempt utilizing more academic vocabulary instead of using get , good, bad...


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