Alright this is my UPenn optional essay! I'd appreciate any helpful, brutally honest feedback! I'll help with your pieces too!! Thanks in advance
Prompt: introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences
"There is a certain smell when you walk into my prefect's room, a homey, airy kind of smell. The smell of Seaside Spring, of fresh ironed shirts, of home. I wipe my feet on the door mat and recline on his comfy brown couch- the perfect place to relax. Here he comes. 'Man, that was a good game of squash. Now I got that philosophy paper to write, physics and bio tests to study, and ..." He hangs his hoodie on his chair and starts typing. Then, without so much as a glance over his shoulder he notices my Algebra textbook and asks, 'Math help?' I nod shyly, sorry to keep him from his work. But he helps me anyway, going through the problems step-by-step. 'Need anything else? Besides a haircut? Geez, you look like one of the Beatles!' I chuckle at his joke and get up to leave. 'Thanks, DJ.'"
In case you haven't noticed, I'm writing in the position of my prefectee/dorm freshman
Any thoughts? What did you find out about me?
Thanks again!!
If you hadn't told me at the end this was written from the perspective of your dorm freshman I would've had absolutely no clue! You need to make sure the reader of your essay knows what you're writing first of all! And sorry to sound harsh, but I really didn't learn anything about you from this essay other than the fact that you look like one of the Beatles. I think you have the creative part down, you just need to focus on making sure your essay is understandable and that it actually shows something about yourself. Hope I helped.