the prompt is about a significant experience that is important to me and makes me who i am
i don't quite know how to tie this into me...any constructive criticism is welcome
thank you in advance
I stare, transfixed, at the six-month old embryo suspended in the fetal position, trapped in a glass jar full of liquid with its umbilical cord floating lifelessly in the watery fluid. I am amazed. Unable to look away, I count the ten fingers and toes on his tiny hands and feet. I look at his wrinkled face: his eyes are closed, little eyelashes rest softly against his cheeks, eyebrows barely apparent, tiny lips, and a squashed little nose.
I could stand here forever and simply watch this unmoving creation, this pure and perfect and innocent little human being whose chance at a life was torn away by some unknown force. Unlike this child, who never had the chance to look upon his mother's elated face, to gaze in wonder at the endless sky, to fight with his brother, to laugh at a stupid joke, to feel angry or happy; a child who never had the chance to experience the trials and tribulations that make up what we call "life", I have seen my mother, gazed at the sky, fought with my brother, laughed at a stupid joke, have felt anger and joy and "lived".
I cannot say that my whole life has been dramatically transformed by the creature floating in this little jar but from within the confines of its sea of fluid, without doing anything spectacular, this little baby has given me the chance to look at my place in this world forcing me to realize that although I have experienced much I also remain trapped in my own jar of unrealistic and naïve opinions constrained by customs and traditions of my society. My eyes remain shut, safe in my own protective sea of fluid which cushions me from the atrocities that plague the unfortunate.
Like the embryo in the jar I am trapped by a protective barrier that has gradually settled down into a permanent blanket; one that I am unable to throw off in my everyday attempt to wake up from the continual routine of life. Coming from an Indian background my parents, who immigrated to the US for a "better life", have sewed the importance of education into every inch of my being. They have created a dream for me and expect me to follow it wrongly believing that studying hard, going to good college, and obtaining a well paid job will provide me with the luxury of happiness. They have kept the lid tightly closed by urging me to excel in every aspect of my academics but ignoring my wishes to hang out with friends or watch a movie. In their eyes I am still a child who must be told what to do.
As I finally tear my eyes away from this little bundle of innocence I realize that college will open my jar giving me the opportunity to throw off my blanket and escape my little world but also to show my parents that I am so much more than just a good student.
i have no idea how to end it (ugh)
thanks
More than anything this child has shown me that I am not an empty jar, but one that is waiting to be filled.
I think you meant to put the "not" in there?
I'd say you're pretty close to having it done, maybe a sentence or two more at the most. It's difficult to say how to end it without more info on what you're trying to convey with the statement
thank you for reading it
i guess that im just trying to say that i am like the baby in the jar and being able to see opened my eyes to the fact that i've lived but i haven't really "explored"...idk if that makes sense...
I think you should write "him" or "her" instead of "it." This will show more appreciation for the significance... it is not important to be accurate about the gender, but to acknowledge her humanity.
Unlike her, I have seen...
This is very abstract, but a good kind of abstract. I think you should add a middle paragraph in which you explain the circumstances, the details of where you were... not too many details, but make the reader understand for sure what the experience was.
Near the end, tell specifically what personality characteristics this experience brought out in you.
Definately stay away from the "it", people may take it thw rong way.
hey guys
i am posting a revised essay
READ ABOVE
i know...its kinda long...but i would appreciate any feedback
thanks! =)
Bravo!! The revised version is very good.
im not the smartest cookie but ill try hah:)
The only things i would work on are these-
Coming from an Indian background my parents, who immigrated to the US for a "better life", have sewed the importance of education into every inch of my being. I cannot say that my whole life has been dramatically transformed by the creature floating in this little jar but from within the confines of its sea of fluid, without doing anything spectacular, this little baby has given me the chance to look at my place in this world forcing me to realize that although I have experienced much I also remain trapped in my own jar of unrealistic and naïve opinions constrained by customs and traditions of my society.this would be great if you coinside it with your background info
They have created a dream for me and expect me to follow it wrongly believing that studying hard, going to good college, and obtaining a well paid job will provide me with the luxury of happiness. They have kept the lid tightly closed by urging me to excel in every aspect of my academics but ignoring my wishes to hang out with friends or watch a movie. In their eyes I am still a child who must be told what to do.
As I finally tear my eyes away from this little bundle of innocence I realize that college will open my jar. giving me the opportunity to throw off my blanket and escape my you dont need my 2xthis little world but also to show my parents that I am so much more than just a good student. <-this is a very good conclusion, but try and think of a better analogy then "a good student"
can you please help me :(
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