- Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
I wrote about my sister. It's my rough draft, and I would appreciate any corrections and comments on my essay, thanks!
Since the day she was born, we were in war mode (or so it feels like). She was the talented one; she was the generous one; she was the pretty one; she was the most loved one. My sister was the baby girl in the family, and I had to be the older sister. I was always jealous of the attention she got from the family and other people. Everyone would tell her how nice and talented she was, and nobody, I thought, paid any attention to me. So I chose to be the mean sister.
I was a very mean sister. When I was younger, I would make my sister give things to me, and if she refused, I would tell her that I would not be her friend anymore. Being the kind soul she was, she would give things to me, even her most prized possessions. I would bring her down by picking on her and ignoring her whenever my friends came over. My sister could not talk well until she was eight years old, and of course, I made fun of that. Even so, now that I look back, she was never, not even once, mean to me. She always wanted to play with me and to be just like me. I think the way she looked up to me only empowered me more to take advantage of her. However, things started to change when I realized that I could lose my sister. My sister was seven years old. My parents thought my sister had the common cold. Even the doctor said so. However, her symptoms became worse. She was no longer the happy, vibrant sister I used to know. She would be laying in her bed lifelessly, and her once rosy cheeks were drained of color. I felt very guilty. It felt like I was the reason she was sick. I would cringe under my blanket when I heard her scream and cough hard in the middle of the night. My parents, after a week, finally realized that my sister was in a much worse condition than they thought. We went to a bigger hospital, and my sister was diagnosed with a serious case of pneumonia. I remember my parents being yelled at by a doctor for bringing my sister in too late. I stayed at my aunt's house for two weeks, and it was the worst two weeks of my life. I did not have my sister with me. When I went to visit my sister for the first time, she greeted me with a big smile. She told me how much she missed me, and it was then I finally realized how much I was blessed with such a great sister.
Even after several years, my sister has not lost her kindness. It amazes me to know how a person can be so unchanging. Her genuineness has impacted to be a better and loving person. She has given me a sense of strong security, because I know that I can always turn to my little sister for advice and comfort. I am stuck with her for a long time, but I am not complaining.
Hi!
Your essay is wonderfully written.
I like the fact that the person who has had a big impact on your life was not an older mentor because it just goes to show that even those younger can influence a person. :)
However there are some parts that are wrong
She was the talented one; she was the generous one; she was the pretty one; she was the most loved one.
You can simplify this into
She was the the talented, generous, pretty, and most loved sister
happy, and vibrant
My parents, after a week,
This can be reorgannized into
After a week, my parents...
and it was then that I finally realized how much I was blessed with such a great sister.
has impacted me to be a better
She has given me a sense of strong security,
Revise into
She has given me a strong sense of security (NO COMMA BEFORE BECAUSE)
The ending is great.
Hope it helps! Goodluck! :)
I think this essay is really well done and I enjoyed the way you described your relationship with your sister. I would however, speak more on what kind of an impact she has on you and how she has shaped who you are. I feel like you rush through that part a little quickly and only talk about how much of a saint your sister is. Saint though she may be, this essay should be more about you. Good luck!
I agree with phil hah. this is a very well written esaay, but i would like to more of how you grew because of this incident. ( i had the same problem with my essay). But other than that great essay, i can really relate.!
