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The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile


asdfghjklyeah 1 / 4  
Dec 15, 2014   #1
Extracurricular Activity Elaboration Short Essay ROUGH DRAFT

The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile. For about two years now, I have been making victims' of Alzheimer's disease smile weekly at Arden Courts Memory Care Facility. The residents that I volunteer for do not remember much, so it is my job to make sure the parts of life that they do remember are special. Whether I am feeding them, supplying them with activities, or merely holding a conversation with them, I am obligated to making them feel positive emotion, and I do that in various different ways.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 15, 2014   #2
Hi Brooke, this is a very good draft. Do you have a word count to worry about with this statement? You really packed everything into a very concentrated statement that packs a wallop of a sentiment and yet leaves room for more explanation. Are you planning on expanding this essay further? I wish you would consider it if you are not at the moment. You can still build up the emotional connection between, the patients and the overall activities tha tyou participate in. I look forward to reading your next draft and assisting you with it if necessary :-)
OP asdfghjklyeah 1 / 4  
Dec 16, 2014   #3
Hello! Thank you so much in advance for your help. This short essay is for the Vanderbilt regular decision application. It needs to be between 150-400 words, and right now I am at 269. So, I definitely would like to expand more. Do you have suggestions on where I should expand? What leaves you wondering? Any tips are extremely appreciated!
OP asdfghjklyeah 1 / 4  
Dec 16, 2014   #4
This is an updated draft:
(427 words, needs to be cut down!)
*I added a specific example of my work!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 16, 2014   #5
Excellent work Brooke. I can really sense your connection with your patients and the joy that you get from your volunteer work as you describe it in your essay. It sees you have gone over the count. How many words does it have to be? If you can tell me the numbers, I can try to help you cut down the content of the paper without affecting its overall strength and message. I'll be waiting to hear from you :-)
OP asdfghjklyeah 1 / 4  
Dec 16, 2014   #6
Wow thank you so much. I have never been a great writer but I worked really hard on this piece! I really wanted to convey my passion for volunteering because it is what I love to do. I am 27 words over the limit. It needs to be between 150-400 words and I am currently at 427!
OP asdfghjklyeah 1 / 4  
Dec 16, 2014   #7
Here is another updated draft! Now I am in the word limit! I have 399 words. Any feedback would be appreciated.

The sincerest of gestures can bring about the simplest of pleasures: a smile. For two years, I have been making victims' of Alzheimer's disease smile at Arden Courts Memory Care Facility. The residents that I volunteer for do not remember much, so it's my job to make sure the parts of life they do remember are special. Whether I am feeding them, hosting activities, or holding a conversation with them, I am obligated to make them feel positive emotions, doing so in various ways.

The emotional connection created between the patients' and me sets a spark to their strong, yet suffering minds. When I notice a patient's sadness or frustration, I don't stop connecting with them until they are once again in a mindless state of happiness, no matter how relentless they may be. I will never forget my dear friend Rosie, may her soul rest in heaven, and her story telling. Whenever I would sit down with her, I got little butterflies in my stomach because I was eager to hear her background story. She grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey, and comically complained about all of the drunks she heard outside of her bedroom window. Reliving her past made her forget her forgetfulness, until she repeated the story again. However, I didn't mind the repetitive transitions because I recognized she was in a state of peace. I could listen to Rosie's story over again like a broken record player and be satisfied, and it pains me that the only place I will hear about those Hoboken drunks' again is in my heart.

The motivation I have to give my time to others is a blessing because it gives me character shapes who I am. Communication, sincerity, and drive are just a few traits I acquired. Most importantly, however, my volunteerism has made me realize that improving other peoples' lives is what I want to do for the rest of mine. Life is truly about sharing your own abilities to assist others who do not have the luxuries you do. My time spent at Arden Courts has been the most valuable sand in the hourglass that is my life. Although the residents at Arden Courts may not remember me, their impact on my life is permanent and I cannot wait to experience different types of people who will mold me into the person I am meant to be.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 19, 2014   #8
Brooke, let's go over the word count for now. I would like to develop a certain idea in the essay that will help explain your sincere gesture and I would like you to use another word other than "obligated" when speaking of helping the patients feel joy and positive emotions. The word just makes it feel like you don't really want to do the job but you finally feel good doing it anyway once you get started. Let's work on the sincere gesture part and explain why you felt compelled to donate your time and attention to these patients. Do this at the start of the essay. The idea, is to strengthen the connection between your gestures and why you are successfully able to accomplish your tasks with them. Work on it. Forget the word length. I'll help you take it down to the level that you need once I sense that it best responds to the essay prompt already. I hope that is alright with you. Sorry about taking so long to get back to you by the way, I had to attend to some family holiday matters :-)


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