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My short reply on activities for the common app - my work as electrician


little636 2 / 9  
Feb 22, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

I am wearied, sleepy, I smell like sweat and my stomach has announced strike. Though, a satisfied smile stretches upon my face. After only two weeks of technical training, I managed to build an entire electric system by myself. My boss was impressed. The room was ready for use: the lighting was perfect, the keys were shining. At 8 AM I was already with wires in my hand. Always under control. Discipline, energy, endless endurance - abilities I strengthened since the first weeks of my job as an electrician assistant. Six months of commitment. And exactly during that time, I really understood what working means, and why all people work. I watch the green, parched paper inside my wallet. Earned money, meritorious reward. I feel proud. My pocket is full. So are my brains.
klusterfunk 6 / 21  
Feb 22, 2010   #2
Nice essay, Argit.

Very personal, and effective.

I am weary , sleepy, I smell like sweat and my stomach has announced strike. Even then (or a similar bridge "But still,") , a satisfied smile stretches upon my face. After only two weeks of technical training, I managed to build an entire electric system by myself. My boss was impressed. The room was ready for use: the lighting was perfect, the keys were shining. At 8 AM I was already with wires in my hand. Always under control. Discipline, energy, endless endurance - abilities I strengthened since the first weeks of my job as an electrician's assistant. Six months of commitment. And exactly during that time, I really understood what working means, and why all people work. I watch the green, parched paper inside my wallet. Earned money, meritorious reward. I feel proud. My pocket is full. So are my brains. (This last line is a little funny. I think it works!)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 23, 2010   #3
Well, this first sentence is stll a little awkward. It would have to be:
I am wearied, I am sleepy, I smell like sweat, and my stomach has announced strike.
This looks like the kind of thing where you need to simplify:
I am sleepy, I smell like sweat, and my stomach has announced strike.

Though Yet, a satisfied smile stretches accross my face. After only two weeks of technical training, I had managed to build an entire electric system by myself. My boss

I watch the green, parched paper inside my wallet -- earned money, my meritorious reward. I feel proud.

I think you can come up with an ending that is even better than this: My pocket is full. So are my brains.

:-)


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