Music is universal; it speaks to everyone in a different sense [...]
Since it's short, I'll try to provide a brisk account of the issues that I think need work.
- When you say "it speaks to everyone in a different sense", you're loosely portraying the motif of setting up for exemplification and explication, which is required at minimum in this case to use the plural noun ways*, or else you contradict/confuse the meaning such as present.
- You need to use articles such as "a", "an", and "the" to provide reference for things you mention. Also, make sure those so called things are of the same form and extent.
- Always aspire to specificity and precision through the words you use; aim to reduce ambiguity by expressing ideas clearly and narrowly, emphasizing caution with words (pronouns) such as "that", "which", and "who." It's a great deal better to err on the side of caution here: it's better to repeat yourself tolerably and draw winces of exhaustion than to fall shy of the minimum -- shroud yourself in obscurity -- and quite certainly ruin your chances.
- Like Kevin said [cutting this short], you cannot begin by extolling the benefits of music, and end by prattling about guitar strings. It's highly preferred for those who fall in the broad class of "relative novice writers" to temper roundly and stabilize essay conclusions with logic, compared especially to the extreme approach that's marked in feckless temerity, just letting conclusions -- poorly reasoned and bizarre -- hang for consumption as resonant and marvelous, yet appropriately short comments on the essence.
That is a general principle which is not adhered to in most essays here; I'm not singling you out and this example is way short of the worst I've taken witness to.