I come from India.
Can you please suggest ways to improve my essay? I'm not too sure the beginning and ending is good enough.This is my first draft.
PROMPT: Share an event or incident you have encountered personally and why and/or how it has affected you or is especially meaningful to you
ESSAY:
I was voted vice captain of our house in my school in the 9th grade.I had already established myself as a sportsperson and keyboardist.
What was surprising was that I had joined the school only two years ago and I didn't know many people.That year, I was catapulted into the
league of popular kids, and enjoyed the attention that came with it, only to have it all taken back the very next year.
The next year, when I was back to being a normal student again, I noticed a change in attitudes of people who were earlier vying for my attention.
I questioned my identity, questioned whether it was my position that they had respected and not me.That year fuelled my interest in psychology and
human behaviour.I even based my final high school project on the correlation between memory and personality.I took an interest in human instincts,
relationships, and personality types. I realised that being in a position of power doesn't imply that friends come easy.Respect can only be earned.
I hardened myself. That year, I grew the most than I ever had in life - and not physically but emotionally.
The year after that, I drew the courage to pursue my childhood dream - of being elected the sports secretary of the school. I was elected and I was
prepared for handling the responsibility that came with it, making sure that my old fears would not haunt me again.
While passing acquaintances in the hallway, I greeted them first and made sure I was always ready with a smile.I felt loved eventually, because I shared it.
I think it sounds good,
When you go to this part: I had already established myself as a sportsperson and keyboardist.
Maybe add something before and change sportsperson and keyboardist to something like, "Although I had already established myself as a capable athlete and pianist becoming vice captain I had even considered."
What was most surprising was that I had joined the school only two years ago and I didn't know many people.
I hardened myself. That sounds a bit strange- maybe change it a bit or just leave it out.
That year, I grew the most than I ever had in life - and not physically but emotionally.
Get rid of this sentence- it doesn't make sense.
Replace it with something like: It was difficult to discover these things, but I realized that to succeed I needed to grow emotionally to become happy with myself.
You ended strongly- and as a whole I quite liked it.
Good Luck :) :) !!!!
