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'my sense of needing to give back to the community I live in' - PEACE CORPS Motivation Statement


CarrieG 1 / -  
Jul 3, 2015   #1
Prompt: Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. In the space below, please provide a few paragraphs explaining your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer and how you plan to overcome the various challenges associated with Peace Corps service. This essay is the writing sample Peace Corps uses to assess your professionalism and maturity as a candidate. Please spend time editing your essay/writing sample (less than 500 words).

Any comments/corrections/advice is welcome. Thank you!

Essay:
Growing up, my parents instilled in me a sense of needing to give back to the community I lived in. Through different organizations in my community I participated in holiday parties for the elderly, beach and park clean ups, and served at local soup kitchens. This sense of wanting to give back is still a driving force in my life today.

I took this motivation and applied to the University of Rhode Island's nursing college. Early in my college career I wondered, "Why do I want to be a nurse?" For the longest time my thought was, "I want to help people." With this seemingly simple ambition I set out on an educational path that has shaped me into the person I am today.

The reason I want to serve in the Peace Corps today is very similar to my original ambitions as a freshman-nursing student. It is thrilling to think about the possibilities ahead of me if I am accepted as a Peace Corp Volunteer. The opportunity to learn and understand a people so strikingly different from my own and for them to learn about my life and culture- this chance is invigorating. To help people, even in the smallest of ways, almost anywhere on the planet is incredible to me, and so motivating.

In small ways, I have been able to help people throughout my young adulthood. As a camp counselor for nearly a decade of summers I spent countless hours helping young children gain independence and confidence away from their parents. Whether it was rescuing them from spiders in the back of their bunk or cheering them on when they tacked for the first time on a windsurfing board- being there for them meant as much to me as it did to them. The leadership and communication skills I learned by taking care of these children and general compassion I developed for them is irreplaceable.

I also spent two of my spring breaks in New Orleans, Louisiana rebuilding the destruction caused by hurricane Katrina. The first time I arrived in New Orleans and saw the destruction I was shocked. People lived in cardboard boxes and down alleys. I had never seen this before in the small beach town I grew up in. I resented my naiveté, but this only strengthened my resolve to help the people surrounding me. When my group met the woman whom we were building a house for she handed us bowls of gumbo and told us that we were her angels. No experience I had ever had compared to the feeling I got from that woman's words.

I plan on taking all of these experiences with me, should I be as fortunate as to be accepted as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I believe that the lessons I have learned will guide me in the Peace Corps and throughout my life. Whether I serve in Africa or Asia, sleep on the dirt or in a yurt, I look forward to the possibilities.
shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Jul 4, 2015   #2
Through different organizations in my community,(1) I participated in holiday parties for the elderly, beach and park clean ups, and served at local soup kitchens. This sense of wanting to give back is still a driving force in my life today.

1. Need a comma and please pay attention in using punctuation mark, especially comma. Some of your sentences should be added with comma:
As a camp counselor for nearly a decade of summers(,) I spent
The first time I arrived in New Orleans and saw the destruction(,) I was shocked
When my group met the woman whom we were building a house for(,) she handed

2. Sense of giving back

an educational path that has shaped me into the person I am today.
Well, what kind of person do you want to say? It is nicer to write your idea with a clear statement.

The opportunity to learn and understand aother people so strikingly different from my own and for them to learn about my life and culture- this chance is invigorating . Such a chance is totally invigorating

Your essay is fairly well done. I enjoy reading it. However, it needs slime polish. In my opinion, the conclusion needs to include more specific plans (or may be new plans) to overcome the various challenges associated with Peace Corps service .

Cheers! Hope it helps.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 6, 2015   #3
- Whether it was rescuing them from spiders in the back of their bunk or cheering them on when they tackedthey're tackled for the first time on a windsurfing board- being there for them meant as much to me as it did to them.

-The leadership and communication skills I learned by taking care of these children and general compassion I developed for them is irreplaceable.

- I had never seen this before in the small beach town where I grew up in . I resented my naiveté, but this only strengthened my resolve to help the people surrounding me.

CarrieG, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum, you're yet another member of the growing EF Family.

It humbles my heart that you are very passionate in helping the country by serving in the Peace Corps.
I wish you the best of luck!!!

Now, your statement or letter is well done, as you can see there's not much corrections I made and the one's I did hopefully helps.

When you write always proof read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!


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