This is my response to the first UC essay: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? The limit is 200 words and I am currently at 186. Thank you for your help!
Throughout my entire life I have felt self-compelled to do the best I can in all circumstances. Many times in elementary school I participated and excelled in spelling bees, math contests, and read-a-thons. When my junior high teachers asked me if I wanted to be moved up to a more challenging class in high school, my answer was always a resounding "yes!" I love the thrill of competing, but the thrill of succeeding is even better. That is why I enjoy participating in all of the rigorous AP classes and taking all of the AP tests our school has to offer-I have passed every one so far while enjoying the rigid and vast learning experience throughout my high school career.
For the last several years, I have taken to business administration. The business management class offered at my high school is my favorite course out of all the classes I have taken in my high school career. It is an ROP program, so it helps prepare me for the real world, giving me the necessary skills I need in order to succeed as a business major.
Greetings!
You are off to a fine start! I only have a few minor suggestions.
Line by line:
"Throughout my entire life I have felt self-compelled to do the best I can in all circumstances." I hate to say it, since you're trying to get up to 200 words, but "self-" needs to go. We'll find a place to stick more words in.
"That is why I enjoy participating in all of the rigorous AP classes and taking all of the AP tests our school has to offer-I have passed every one so far while enjoying the rigid and vast learning experience throughout my high school career."
This sentence needs just a little tweaking. First, use a long dash instead of the short one; it looks like a hypenated word. Or you could put a semi-colon there instead. Next, I think "rigid" carries a negative connotation about your feelings toward school. My first thought was to replace it with "challenging," but you've already used that word. How about "stimulating" or "demanding" (which implies that a lot was asked of you, but you rose to the challenge). Finally, the end of the sentence looks like padding. The reader already knows you're talking about your high school career. Also, "experience" needs to be plural, since it refers to AP classes and tests. Maybe you could say something like, ". . . and vast learning experiences they offered."
"For the last several years, I have taken to business administration."
Did you mean to say "I have taken business administration" or "I have taken a liking to business administration"? "Taken to" is a little colloquial for this kind of essay.
Now, for those extra words: How about saying something along the lines of how you have tried to take advantage of every opportunity offered in high school, and you intend to do the same in your university career? Admissions folk always like to hear how hard you're going to work.
You've done a great job of stating your case, in my opinion. I hope these suggestions help. Best of luck to you!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
