"Where are we going mom?"
Silence.
"Where?"
"Winston I told you a million times; Texas."
"Texas" I repeated
The word tasted foreign in my mouth. It didn't belong.
Five years ago we trekked from California to Texas. Everyday I stay under the harsh Texas sun; I pine for the soothing California waves. The day I left the Golden State, I bottled a handful of smooth sand and briny ocean water to remind me of the land I love so much. That day I vowed, with childish conviction, to return one day. Now as college appears on the horizon, I hope to fulfill my promise to where I planted my roots in America.
That's why Stanford fits me so well. Situated in sunny California, Stanford overlooks the great Pacific that I yearn for. Academically, it is ranked number one in the major of psychology. As a child, I was sent to see a psychologist for ADHD treatment. The year I spent going to the clinic was incredible. My therapist was personable as well as understanding. Despite being an adult, I saw him as a close friend; someone who could erase all my troubles. Every day for two hours, I had the most fun a nine year old could have; we played basketball, chess, and sometimes just talked. Since then, I have always wanted to become a psychologist so that I can ameliorate the lives of others.
Psychology has also intrigued me in art. As an artist, I admire the works and ideas of Salvador Dali. At Stanford, I would also like to pursue a major in Fine Arts. Stanford is in the proximity of San Francisco, a major cultural center. The area is dotted with galleries and exhibition opportunities. Studying art and psychology at Stanford can help me develop into a surrealist painter and allow me the opportunity to join the ranks of the Magritte, Picabia, and Dali. In addition to being near San Francisco, the great outdoors around Stanford, like that of Port Lligat for Dai, can provide me with infinite inspirations for my artwork.
The road to college had not been paved with gold and the road through college will definitely not be so either. However, as I prepare to cross the finish line of high school, a great education at Stanford is definitely something to look forward to. For then I will have fulfilled my pledge and once again feel the California air on my cheeks.
It's in back in sunny California and close to the cultural center of San Francisco.
what are you trying to convey here? this sentence doesn't make sense...
My therapist was jocular as well as understanding.
jocular seems out of place. it seems like you used the thesaurus to replace another word, so perhaps maybe reconsider?
overall, great essay! just be yourself!
Thanks Rayban11! yeah I'll try to fix those places!
Only one sentence of your essay makes sense in context: "[Stanford] is ranked number one in the major of psychology." You kept mentioning that you want to return to California. However, you have to realize that there are thousands of colleges in California, so why are you choosing Stanford, and not... Cal Poly? Please please please focus on Stanford and only Stanford. If you were to remove the sentence I mentioned above, this essay can fit for every single college in the state of California. I know I sound harsh but that's the reality when you apply to competitive colleges like Stanford. I sincerely hope that you take my advice because they will really help you.
I hope to fulfill my promise to about where I choose to plant m y roots in America.
That's why Stanford fits me so well. Situated in sunny California, Stanford overlooks the great Pacific that I yearn for.
Despite the fact that he was an adult, I saw him as a close friend -- someone who could erase all my troubles.
Everyday as one word is an adjective.
Every day for two hours, I had the most fun...
comma:
The road to college had not been paved with gold, and the road through ...
Great ending!! If you have more room to write, it would be good to tell about your interests in psych... REBT, existential therapy, cognitive therapy, integrated disciplines... what kinds of techniques do you want to master? What kinds of maladies you you want to specialize in treating?
Iceui2 do I know u?
Yeah I'll put in some more about why I want to o
to stanford.
Ef Kevin thanks! I always like your advice! Thanks for all the help :)
I added a bit of stuff to the first draft and edited what i had
That's why Stanford fits me so well. Situated in sunny California, Stanford overlooks the great Pacific that I yearn for. --- this is brochure stuff. I think you can do better.
Academically, it is ranked number one in the major of psychology. ---number one out of how many schools?
As a child, I was sent to see a psychologist for ADHD treatment. --- this sentence seems liks an abrupt change of subject. I think you should write one solid sentence about the environment in which you want to take your psychology education, which of course is this school. Then, discuss research interests and BRIEFLY mention your childhood experience when you discuss your interest in ADHD and child psychology.
Know what I mean?
And the rest of the essay seems great...
The word tasted foreign in my mouth. It didn't belong.
I love the way you worded this!
However, I also agree with Kevin on his first suggestion. "That's why Stanford fits me so well" is unnecessary and gives the reader the impression that you only like Stanford on the basis of its geography, which is obviously not true!
can you guys help me cut this down to 250words/1800 characters?
some suggestions.
I was furthermore interested in psychology after going to a psychologist for ADHD treatment.
furthermore, my interest in psy increased after receiving treatment for ADHD
so that I can ameliorate the lives of others. i know what you mean but it could sound more helpful if you just said that you too could assist in the lives of others, or have a positive impact on others lives etc rather than use ameliorate
With its rigorous curriculum in psychology and a strong academic atmosphere, Stanford provides me with a great environment to pursue my interest Stanford is world renown for its psychology department, and as such is the ultimate university for my interests
Psychology has also intrigued me as an artist. Over the years, I have come to admire the works and ideas of Salvador Dali. At Stanford, I would also like to pursue a major in Fine Arts I wish to pursue a double major at Stanford, psy and art. Stanford's proximity to a major cultural centre offers me the opportunity to to join the ranks of the Magritte, Ernst, and Dali. as Port Lligat was to Dali, so Stanford's surrounds shall be to me.
I agree that there is a great emphasis on the geography of cali. However because you mention geography in the art paragraph you may want to be more specific to the Stanford aspect. (hope this makes sense, I am writing pretty late for me:)
I think you should talk less about the location. Your essay is based in returning to California, not Stanford.
I also think you should choose a trait that only Stanford has, a tradition, some part of its history, or something that prooves it is Stanford you want to attend and not just a school in California with a good psychology program.
I really like the beggining.
I think you could cut "Studying art and psychology at Stanford can help me develop into a surrealist painter and allow me the opportunity to join the ranks of the Magritte, Ernst, and Dali.", "overlooking the great Pacific that I so long for" and "For then I will have fulfilled my pledge and once again feel the California air on my cheeks." It is good, but the rest is more important.
I really like the last sentences I mentioned, but you, again, mention California, that's why I think you should cut it.
Hope I could help
