Hello. I was rejected by the early admission of davis honor challenge pool...however I can apply in regular decision again before the 25th. Can someone please help me with revising my essay and give me some constructive advices? Thanks in advance.
Given the objectives of the Davis Honors Challenge, how would your participation in the program enhance your undergraduate education and help you meet your personal goals?
I strive to achieve a Renaissance style education-a well-rounded and informed one. I have diverse interests that vary from orchestra performance to social work and healthcare to biological research. Nevertheless, I have only one set goal in mind- become a passionate neurosurgeon whose mind has enriched by the broadest possible social, cultural, and historical perspective. I intend to be exposed to a wide, sensitizing view of the human condition in order to expand my horizons and develop into a well-rounded, Renaissance person devoted to human suffering. Davis Honors Challenge offers rigorous academic program and multidisciplinary seminar. By participating in such comprehensive and demanding program, I believe I would gain skills of collaboration, communication, researching, and efficient problem solving. Theses are all critical skills to acquire in order to become a successful neurosurgeon. I expect myself explore my undergraduate education in every aspect possible. As a premed student, I am aware of the tasks I will encounter and the skills I must have to resolve them. I am able to envision myself to become an academically prepared through taking the honor sections and courses. Moreover, I will also become more collaborative and well-informed with the broad range of topics that will be conduct in the seminar. Through participating in the Davis Honors Challenge, I believe this will help me achieve my personal goal and prepare me to achieve even greater goals.
What unique skills or characteristics would you bring to a group-learning environment that would contribute to the experience of other students in the DHC program? Use specific examples.
Being on the executive as a liaison of the student council and community service organization at Holy Cross and one of the house senior leaders at Ridley College, I believe I have the skills of effective communication and organization. With the traveling opportunity that I had experienced, I was extremely fortunate to meet people from all different background and hence, learn to accept, understand and collaborate as a group. To specify, I have the ability to resolve conflicts and lead to a positive outcome. During my first year at Ridley, I was the stage manager. Being leader as the new face in the school, I aimed to be a fair and amiable. I noticed all the other crewmembers would exclude this girl from the stages and even after stage activities. I tried to incorporate her into the group. Several crewmembers complained that due to her headstrong quality that ruined the dress rehearsal. As a leader, I carried on the responsibility for the equipment prior and expressed understanding. The girl admitted her mistake. I praised the girl for the work she has accomplished to rebuild her confidence. I told the sound crewmember that he would be in charged the section that the girl did not fulfill. The opening night was flawless. When my team and I greeted each other, I was convinced that my decision has achieved its goal. Conflicts are inevitable in a group activity. It takes a real leader to take up the responsibility and rationalize the situation. I believe I have the quality, and I would like to contribute my experience to the DHC program.
Briefly describe two educational experiences and/or activities to which you made a significant commitment of time and effort. Explain how your participation in each has both impacted you and prepared you to be in the DHC.
Participating in Canadian Biology Olympics training camp and volunteering at Kingston General Hospital both prepared me to be in the DHC. CBO enriched me with neoteric scientific knowledge. I learned lab techniques and operated university level lab equipment. Furthermore, I had the most evocative conversation of worldly issue with people from different backgrounds but all care about the world as I do. We talked about the improvements that we would execute, from the experiment on the growth of E. coli and compare it with the global issue on human population. We shared knowledge on recent inventions such as the exoskeleton that enable mobility for paralyzed individual. After camp, I believe the most sensational feeling is to find a mutual appreciation of each other's acquaintance and share different visions that are all intended to make a positive impact on the world. The motivating and powerful feeling kindles my hope and makes me believe that when thinkers gather, it is possible to achieve greatness. Volunteering at the neurology section of the hospital was what composed of my Sunday mornings when I was in Kingston. I learnt ways of treating with patients and the qualities of true doctor who keeps patients' needs as first priority. Visiting the patients also strengthen me with their life experiences and their positive attitudes. Looking into their strong and wise eyes, I realize that life is a beautiful challenge. Aging and Sickness is inevitable; however, love and compassion bring people together to overcome challenges. I am incredibly grateful that I had the opportunity to participate these two educational activities. They enriched me not just knowledge-wise but also in different aspects in life. I believe I will success in the DHC program with the experience I acquired and contribute to the program itself.
What else would you like the DHC selection committee to know about you? (This question is optional.)
Swimming in the early morning then have steam buns is a tradition between my father and me; mind-demanding conversation always occur on the breakfast table. He asked me this question about four years ago "What is the purpose of life?" my father asked, his eyes had this sparkle when he expected something intriguing. "Seeking for happiness; that is to sleep in and not go swimming in the morning." I answered with an impatient tone. However, this question arises whenever I go. What is the purpose of life? I found the purpose of life in challenging myself to wake up early and swim every morning. I found the purpose of life in obtaining understanding of science, literature and mathematics. I found the purpose of life in the joy of giving through helping the community-rebuilt and teaching the kids English in Costa Rica. I found the purpose of life when I saw the smile of homeless people as I delivered their food tray to them. The purpose of life is within life itself - ascension of evolving from primitive instincts and desires to a sophisticated, intelligent existence by taking on challenges and pursue of diverse knowledge in life, which, ultimately benefit the life of others. I believe this can profoundly fulfill and satisfy the meaning of human life; hence, the true purpose of life. After one years since I left Taiwan, I went back to visit my family. I proposed to continue the tradition; furthermore, my father and I cooperated with his subdivision of the Taiwanese Lion's club to foundries for free swimming passes at the local pool allocated to children at the local orphanage. As I saw the children's expressions, fulfilled with delight and gratitude, I know ones lives have breathed easier than before because of me-the purpose of life.
" I have diverse interests that vary from orchestra performance to social work and healthcare to biological research."
It could show that you want to know about everything but nothing concrete, even if you specify afterwards. How is orchestra perfomance related to become a successful neurosurgeon?
The first impression is still more important. In my opinion you can say:
I have diverse interests that include social work, healthcare and biological research."
"I have only one set goal in mind- become a passionate neurosurgeon whose mind has enriched by the broadest possible social, cultural, and historical perspective. I intend to be exposed to a wide, sensitizing view of the human condition in order to expand my horizons and develop into a well-rounded, Renaissance person devoted to human suffering"
Avoid to be verbose. Be direct and add only two max three adjectives. It difficults the reading.
"I expect myself explore my undergraduate education in every aspect possible. As a premed student, I am aware of the tasks I will encounter and the skills I must have to resolve them. I am able to envision myself to become an academically prepared through taking the honor sections and courses. Moreover, I will also become more collaborative and well-informed with the broad range of topics that will be conduct in the seminar. Through participating in the Davis Honors Challenge, I believe this will help me achieve my personal goal and prepare me to achieve even greater goals."
I expect, I am, I will, I must, I am, I will, I believe. Be more fluent using cause-effect connectors.
Cheers
