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How does my reflective essay sound?


tiger13twin 7 / 20  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
Can you help me perfect my reflective essay? Here it is please help me make corrections and make it sound good.

I need this by 9:00 November 15th. Thank you

Has there ever been a time where your parents told you not to play in the house? Well it has for me; my mom had always told me not to play in the house because someone could get hut, but I never believed it until July 8, 2007, the scariest day of my life. Now I know parents do not say not to play in the house to be mean, but for their child's safety.

On July 8, 2007, around eight o'clock in the evening, my brother was in his room watching TV and I hit him with his blue Bob the Builder pillow, thinking it was funny, so he it me back and we hit each other back in fourth for a while. Then when he least expected, while he was watching TV, I hit him in his face with his pillow and his head hit the corner of his bed. I thought he was OK, but calmly he said, " I think I'm bleeding." I told him no he is not bleeding but is he OK, and he said yes and he put his hand behind his head and there was a gush of blood. I did not know what to do, I just screamed and panicked looking for my parents. The only thing that was going through my mind was, my brother is going to die.

My sisters and I ran outside to get my dad, while he was working on his car, and my mom was with my brother. My dad ran in the house as fast as a cheetah and got a towel to stop the bleeding. My dad had taught us at that moment; whenever you have a head injury and it is bleeding, apply pressure to it and it should slow down the breathing. At that moment, I was shaking so badly I thought I was going to pass out. My mom called a hospital in Murrieta, and told them we were coming. We knew not to go to Hemet hospital because they are very slow. As we were leaving to get in the car to go to the hospital, I told my brother how sorry I was and when I saw the towel he used for his head, it was all covered in blood and made me cry to know I was the one who did that to him. My mom was so upset with me she would not let me sit by my brother in the car I had to sit in the passenger seat, which made me feel worse for what I did.

We made it to the hospital in about forty- five minutes and when we went in they say my brother right away. They said he was fine but he would need stitches so they told us to wait in the waiting room, but instead we waited in the car because it was too cold. As we were waiting in the car, my brother tried to go to sleep because it was 10 o'clock at night, but I told him that you are not supposed to go to sleep after a head injury because you can die. He said, " Ok I wont go to sleep if you stay up with me." So we stayed awake until 12 o'clock when the doctor went to get my brother so she can stitch his head. I was so scared for him because I thought stitches would hurt, but when he came out, he said it only felt like a pinch. When my brother walked out the hospital, I was so happy to see him I cried. Everyday since then, I have appreciated him a lot more because we did not have a good relationship before that day.

I think of that day as a life lesson learned. When I reflect back on that day, I could have prevented my brother's head injury if only I had not hit my brother that last time. I also should have been relaxed, and told my brother to stay calm when we saw all that blood because when I freaked out, he did too. I believe God was showing me why my parents always said not to play in the house. Ever since then, I have not. That experience has made me realize when my parents say not to do something, it is because they do not want anyone to get hurt.
NEEDHELP99 3 / 11  
Nov 15, 2009   #2
This essay would be better with a little more planning before the writing. As a reader, i am very lost at places. For example
" I think I'm bleeding." I told him no he is not bleeding but is he OK, and he said yes and he put his hand behind his head and there was a gush of blood

That part does not flow and a bit confusing. (Change your OK to Okay )

Try to re-read this essay out loud and some mistakes would just pop out at you.
However, it is a great essay and a great topic to write about.

Please come review my essay

Thank you very much and Good Luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 16, 2009   #3
Has there ever been a time where your parents told you not to play in the house? Well it has for me; m My mom had always told me not to play in the house because someone could get hurt , but I never believed it until July 8, 2007, the scariest day of my life. Now I know parents do not say not to play in the house to be mean, but for their child's safety.----> well, sometimes it is because they want the kids to go outside where they won't be bothering everyone! :-)

I scratched off that first line... I think it is ineffective as a "narrative hook." But, your sentence that starts with "My mom always told me..." is a great attention getter!

I told him no, that he was not bleeding and that he was Oka y, and he said yes and but he put his hand behind his head and there was a gush of blood.

Well done! Great ending.

Misplaced comma:
I also should have been relaxed a nd told my brother to stay calm when we saw all that blood, because when I freaked out, he did too.


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