'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character

It takes a foundation, strength to carry that foundation, and craft to build an amazing person.

I find my character based upon principles. For every imperfection in my life, my principles are the compass that points north. Two years ago I was in a manipulative relationship, where I was being controlled and constantly treated inferior. My family has been my support system and I learned to communicate with them rather than to keep secrets. With the help of my family, I was able to say stop. I was able to be the driver again and be honest to myself, instead of the passenger who watched life go downhill behind a mask.

Strength means to have firmness and potency in effectiveness. Having moral strength takes knowing what values I stand up for such as integrity. I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification then later on regretting about my decision. There is a fine line between right and wrong, and I choose the right path to be an example. I am the leader of my youth group and I have learned "it is no use walking anywhere to preach, unless our walking is our preaching," (St. Francis of Assisi). Intellectual strength involves effectiveness in order to have my goals, priorities, and work done with time and quality, since I am responsible for my life, my academic status, and my extracurricular activities. Morality as well as intellect continues to be the strength that holds me down at all times.

Pursuits to success are taken with beauty in skill. As the leader of the Performing Arts Club, I have been a strong believer of showcasing unused talents to blossom and have a positive effect on all students. I earned the privilege of seeing my peers partake in an activity they enjoy doing and watching their confidence boost day by day. My role as vice-president is to assist in organizing the layouts, music, costuming, and choreography of all shows. The skill of being able to make aspirations for the club a reality takes a strong leader who listens to all suggestions and makes decisions people are satisfied with. Having a team of my own involves dedication, cooperation, and trust.

Becoming what I am today took a reevaluation of my life. I always take time to renew myself so that I'm being consistent in what I stand up for. Who I am and the service I immerse myself in reflect the wise words that Florida State University uses as a guiding philosophy. It would be an honor to be a Seminole foundation where the students live a testimonial life to "Vires, Artes, and Mores."

Not sure if the following sentence makes sense: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification then later on regretting about my decision, based on mistakes I have seen others make.

Why don't you try this: I seek to find long term happiness rather than instant gratification, only to later regret my decisions that were based on some of the mistakes that others have made.

You might benefit with more paragraphs as well. "in the value of Mores..." you might want to start a new paragraph there.

"My family values mirror," not mirrors...

Thanks,

Mark

Other than the grammatical errors, how do you think I can improve on the introduction?
Also, do you think I captured the sense of the prompt?

Yes, I think that you captured the essence of the prompt, but you can improve upon the introduction by separating the intro into a number of paragraphs, preferably one para for each of the words that you are describing and defining: "Vires, Artes, Mores"

I would use one para for each of the words and then another para for a summation. Make those changes and then present it to the group again. Perhaps someone else might have some inputs.

Mark

This gets you off to a slow start. The premise of this essay prompt is to show how the same virtues are reflected in you, so do not begin by restating that idea. Begin by saying something unexpected and original! :-)

The word "Vires" signifies strength of all kinds. ---again, don't repeat what they told you. You only get to write about 15-18 sentences in an essay this size, so do not waste any! That is important.


This is just a list of values.

No, this essay is great as a way of brainstorming your ideas, but I hope you'll choose one of the virtues and establish it as a theme. Make it so that you talk about your CAREER plan -- your plan for college and the years after you graduate, but talk about that plan in terms of one of the virtues.

Perhaps one of the virtues is the driving force behind your career decision or field of interest?

Read what you wrote, and make a list of the several ideas you cover (the relationship, being the leader of the club, etc.) The essay has only a few major ideas. You can condense this, take out all unnecessary sentences, and make it something that is intense and powerful. Make it so that every sentence tells helps support one main idea about "what you are doing" by applying to this school.

:-)

Wow, thank you for that amazing advice.

Stephanie,

Now, why don't you re-write the essay with the suggestions that you have received thus far? You might find that after you re-write it once or twice it will sound and look better to you. Then, you can re-present it to the forum, in the completed, corrected form.

Mark