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I've recently realized how desperately I have been searching to find myself


nik 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2009   #1
THIS IS THE PROMPT:

Academic History

Your Major and/or Career Goals

Cultural Understanding

My paper is quite long, i need to cut it down by 200 words
This is my Paper:

It was not until recently that I realize how desperately I have been searching to find myself. Coming from a strict Vietnamese family I was always pushing my limits not caring what my consequences were. The more boundaries there were the harder I fought. Growing up in a small town in Illinois and being the only Asian family in a 30 mile radius means I had to be tough. At home I was like Jane Brady stuck in the middle of 5 siblings and trying impulsively to find my individuality. Most were misguided attempts that led to multiple facial piercings and tattoos. At a young age I never really imagine myself ever going to college. My parents did not finish high school let alone college. They came over from Vietnam in the early 90's and started their own small business from practically nothing. To my college was more like a dream than reality.

During my junior year in high school I started taking running start classes because I enjoyed the independence and challenges it presented. Toward the end of my senior year of high school my world came shattering down before my very eyes. News came in that my grandmother had a stroke and had only a few days to live. At the time I was balancing work, Running Start and High school. It felt like everything around me was suddenly put in slow motion and I was desperately trying to push the skip forward button. My family and I flew out the next morning to Vietnam missing my graduation, and also sacrificing my finals at Edmonds Community College. This was a decision I could no soon regret, realizing that this would be my last chance to be able to see my grandma's beautiful face.

After a 23 hour flight I found myself halfway around the world in a culture I've long forsaken. When I stepped out of the air conditioned airport I took a deep breath and started coughing violently. I hated the hot humid air and the stench of rotten food left behind in the smothering sun. When we were finally able to visit my grandmothers hospital room there was an ominous silence that I've never experience before. It was as if the people confined in the tiny room were afraid to breathe, frighten that the sound would startle or wake the still women. I stood at the door staring at the helpless woman on the hospital bed, but could scarcely recognize her. She looked frail and nothing like the joyful person I once thought I knew. She then opened her eyes and smiled and she was my grandma again. There was a close connection that I've known all my life she's been a part of me all along. But then something happened that I didn't expected, she started screaming and cussing.

I stayed with her that night and every night after that for a week sleeping close beside her bed. It was as hard for her as it was for me being confined in the small hospital room felt like a prison. Nights were the worst, once or twice throughout the night she would scream out in agony and pain. And the only thing I could do was watch and tried in vain not to cry uncontrollably. My heart broke every single time I saw her hurting. The doctors refuse to give her medicine to relieve her from her suffering. They were convinced that she would pass away within minutes and any medicine use would be a waste of resources. Days passed with no significant changes. When she had the energy she would tell wonderful stories about our family, about the war between the north and the south and about her husband that pasted away before I was even born. She showed me the family's black leather book that held names and dates of ever single family member ever lived over the past seven or eight generations. There were hundreds if not thousands of names. I flipped the pages to the last written page and there it was my name written neatly in black ink sitting at the top of the page. I gently ran my fingers over the letters feeling the indention made by the pen. An overpowering feeling suddenly rushed through me. I felt like I was a part of something that was much larger than me. It was overwhelming to realize that all the history and culture is running through my veins. When she was asleep during the day I had time to explore the hospital talking to other patients to pass the time.

That week I felt for once in my life that I belonged. I was certain that God had brought me to that very hospital for a purpose. One person that became engraved in my mind was a six year old blind little boy name Tri. He was the happiest boy I ever met, cheerful and always smiling. He had a great big gapped smile that made me want to hug him and never let go. My other problems felt trivial compared to his, and yet he was able to overcome his disability and try to live his life like any other child.

My trip home to Vietnam gave me the opportunity to get in touch with my roots. It truly opened my eyes and helped me realized how selfish I've been my entire life. I was taking for granted how lucky I am to be able to live in a free country with such thriving opportunities. The experience made me understand how much more I have to grow as a person. It become clear to me then that I wanted to have a career that involved helping others, which then lead me to the medical field. I specifically choose optometry because I find vision quite fascinating. The eye is an amazing sensory organ that lets us experience life's miraculous beauty. Optometry is a great career for me because it is a primary care provider, which gives me the opportunity to form relationships with my patients and their families. I also like the business aspect. It gives me the option to run my own practice. Science was also a motivation that led me to choosing this as a career path. I have always been fascinated by how things function, individually and as a whole. Science is another way of trying to understanding the world that we live in. I feel like this is my calling. My ultimate goal is to open a clinic that provides free eye exams for people living in poor rural areas of Vietnam to help kids like Tri.

I'm current working on my prerequisites for optometry school at the University of Washington Bothell. The Bothell campus is a wonderful school with inspiring instructors, but unfortunately it does not offer many of the prerequisites that I need for Optometry school. A small campus has its disadvantages such as limited classes and analogous majors. In the winter of 2008, I tried challenging myself by taking an early biology course at Bellevue College. Unfortunately, I was force to drop the class due to a car accident which made commuting difficult. For a couple months that winter I volunteered a few hours a week at PAWS. Dogs are unconditional lovers that don't see you for your skin color or disabilities. This past summer I took a class at the Seattle campus and I fell in love with everything thing about it. It's an exciting feeling to know that you are a part of something greater than yourself.

The University of Washington Seattle would be able to provide a wide range of opportunity for me. It offers an array of courses that would certainly help prepare me for Optometry school admissions in the near future. A larger campus would also give me the chance to be with people that share my own goals and passions. Upon entering the University of Washington Seattle I intend on pursuing a Bioengineering degree. At this time I'm not quite prepared to enter my major but with a few more classes I would indeed be ready. I've chosen this major because science is a true passion of mine. I believe I still have a lot more to learn about myself and this experience would give me that opportunity.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 9, 2009   #2
The content of this essay is quite strong. You should cut it down not by excising any of the narrative but, rather, by eliminating words, phrases, and sentences that do not more the narrative forward. The first sentence, for example, can go. You can edit the last paragraph down to a sentence. Similarly, the paragraph about your current school could be cut down to a sentence or two.
OP nik 1 / 1  
Sep 10, 2009   #3
Thank you for the wonderful feedback. What do you think about the grammar and sentence structure?
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 11, 2009   #4
Your grammar is fine, but you could make your writing stronger by using more active verbs. Rather than saying "the eye is... which allows us..." say "the eye allows us..."


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