Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Advice and opinions are welcome.
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This year, I became the Vice President of Academic Decathlon, an after-school club. I ran for this office position because I wanted to be in a position where my ideas could be implemented. Due to graduation, all officers were new to their respective positions. It had a revitalizing effect upon the club. Academic Decathlon requires a lot of work as each member receives a 500-600 page packet that he or she is expected to know by February. Unfortunately, when members receive the packet in early October, they are under a specious illusion of time for studying. And most members don't open the packet until a few days before competition when they are trying to cram. In past years, the officers counted on the members being self-disciplined enough to read the materials and apart from a few token efforts, there was not any structure to help the members progress through the daunting packet.
But this year, the new officers felt that we could lead the club into a better direction and help people break down the imposing packet into manageable pieces. I took a major role in this turnover. I observed, during prior competitions, that the other clubs had a sense of unity and purpose. To engender such cohesion, I took the initiative and created a website for Academic Decathlon that would help keep everyone on the same page as well as provide a common forum for people to voice their ideas. In addition, I went ahead and organized a competition for a T-shirt design to stimulate healthy competition as well as camaraderie. Also, the president and I also broke down each of the ten sections of the packet and divided it up into small pieces. In order to prevent procrastination and cramming, we wanted to, from the start, allow for small groups to present a 5-7 page section during each meetings so that by the competition date we would have thoroughly completed the materials. I also tried to incorporate some lively, dynamic activities into meetings in order to dispel the notion of the club being dry and boring.
Helping turn Academic Decathlon around has been one of my proudest accomplishments because I was a key component of a group turnaround. I was able to make influential changes that made noticeable positive differences.
I relish being part of groups whether I'm leading them or just a member. However, I prefer leading as then I have a chance to make the group as effective as possible. I also loath being stuck at status quo when there is room for improvement. Trying to rectify errors, such as confusion and procrastination, provided me the impetus to run for vice presidency and correcting such flaws, by creating an open forum and study groups, made me proud.
I would rewrite this sentence in a way that doesn't have the word 'position' twice, so close together;
I ran for this office position because I wanted to be in a position where my ideas could be implemented.
Also, the president and I also broke down each of the ten sections of the packet and divided themup into small pieces.
Your last sentence is confusing and should be revised for clarity.
Trying to rectify errors, such as confusion and procrastination, provided me the impetus to run for vice presidency and correcting such flaws, by creating an open forum and study groups, made me proud.
And most members don't open the packet until a few days before competition when they are trying to cram.
In fact, most members don't open the packet until a few days before competition when they are trying to cram.
This essay is a bit bland. Why not try expressing your frustration with the slacking team, your flow of creativity as you designed the website, your feelings from knowing that you've helped people bond over this club. It's hard showing passion, but perhaps describing your emotions in a more "story-like" way will better the essay.
Good Luck.
You have a grasp of quality material. The endeavors you adopted for your club were impressive, however it's how you express those ideas that will make these events into an actual story.
Go back and attempt to change your sentences to emphasize emotion towards your position... much like tweezer was saying. Also, make sure your first sentence draws the reader in. Perhaps the most difficult part is making your original story actually sound original.
Thanks a lot for the advice. I clarified those confusing sentences and tried to inject emotion into the essay. The word limit is becoming an obstacle. I have approx. 500 [+/- 15] words and the essay above is 499. Are there any unnecessary sentences/words? Thanks in advance.
Wow, I am impressed by how well you write.
Also The president and I also broke down each of the ten sections of the packet and divided it up into small pieces. In order to prevent procrastination and cramming, we wanted to from the start, enable small groups to present a 5-7 page section during each meeting so that by the competition date we would have thoroughly completed the materials.
Here, I'll move a comma:
In past years, the officers counted on the members being self-disciplined enough to read the materials, and apart from a few token efforts there was not any structure to help the members progress through the daunting packet.
