Hey,
I just wanted to get some feedback on this, it is very rough, but I half to start somewhere.
Thanks
Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The world I come from is Real Estate. Growing up and looking at houses was so fun for me, while my brother whined about going home and playing video games. Most times, my parents would take us to Toysr'us to buy us toys prior to the long journey. One time, I remember we went shopping for a toy and I couldn't decide what cabbage patch doll I should choose. The top contenders were between the one who eats, name Brittany, and another one who plays and name was Rachel. In the end I chose Brittany, but it was a hard decision. Now Brittany and I were ready to go look at houses with my parents. I was always the first one upstairs frantically searching each of the bedrooms seeing which one was destined to be mine. Once I found the one I liked I would go find my parents to tell them hurry and come look at the bedroom I picked out. I don't know how many rooms I claimed to be mine through out the various houses we previewed, but it taught me to live in the moment and to dream.
For my 17th birthday, my dad presented me with Real Estate classes, so I could earn my real estate license. My friends were shocked, but I was ecstatic. Recently I have been tailing along with my dad on broker caravans where Real Estate Agents and me preview the new homes that are on the market. When looking at these residences I soak up everything in eyesight. Now, instead of saying which room would be mine, I would think if I could work hard enough I could own an estate like this when I get older. One house in particular really caught my attention in the convent on the Rancho Santa Fe golf course. It was my dream house; I knew then that I could never settle for less. Some might think that I am materialistic, but why can't I look forward to something nice in life.
Being born into a family with my dad as a real estate broker and his girlfriend owning a real estate company has made me realize why I want to get my degree inn business. I love the art of negotiating deals; it's a high for me. My world has laid a foundation for my career, my family, and my future.(398)
hello,
i dont think this essay is anywhere near done :( . okay you have a defnite theme, you love real estate but you dont reallyyyyy answer the question, atleast not well.
also the tone in which you write the essay is such a conversation tone, you need to keep in mind the way you write and the way you talk are very different.
for example :
"Most times, my parents would take us to Toysr'us to buy us toys prior to the long journey. One time, I remember we went shopping for a toy and I couldn't decide what cabbage patch doll I should choose. The top contenders were between the one who eats, name Brittany, and another one who plays and name was Rachel. In the end I chose Brittany, but it was a hard decision."
this sounds so much like "this one time.. at band camp..." do you see what i mean? im aware that you are a freshman but i think you can do much better in conveying you articulate side.
i hope this doesn't sound harsh i'm just giving you my opinion, you need to keep in mind that thousands of people are applying for limited space so you need to shine.
Hi!
This is not a bad start so far :) I agree with what Gloria said earlier, keep in mind that your writing style and speaking style are not the same. Be sure to proofread at the end, otherwise the main suggestion I have is always ask yourself, "So what?" Since the word count is very limited, look at each sentence to make sure it has a connection with what you want to say. I'm not commending repetition, conciseness is important, but make sure that the point you're trying to make is very clear and represented everywhere, not just in the end.
Also, I would advise you to try and include something that you've learned from these experiences, or more about how you felt.
I'm not trying to be harsh at all, and sorry if I come across as such. I hope this helped, good luck!
