Unanswered [8] / Featured [0] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

Questbridge Application, vegetarianism


answers: 9
Mar 29, 2009, 12:33pm   #
Ok. so this is all due on Tuesday and I've been stuck for a while.
It's really rough...Sorry! Ek. And I don't like people reading my writing. Ok.
The first is something that impacts my life, I need two more. Limit: 100 words

Eight years ago in my elementary school, I licked the last remnants of Shepherd's pie from a fork. Such a meaty morsel has not passed my lips since then. Some perceive vegetarianism as a dietary choice, but for me it is a life path with roots in appalling cafeteria victuals. Vegetarianism prevents many of the health problems sweeping America, pushes back against inhumane treatment of animals, and moves the planet towards a more sustainable existence. As one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest, this has an impact on everyday life and leads to numerous conversations with belligerent cowboys.
Mar 29, 2009, 07:53pm   #
I think you should make this a little more personal. You talk about the how Vegetarianism impacts America, but what about you? How has vegetarianism changed you as a person?
Mar 29, 2009, 08:00pm   #
Like Judas said, you probably want to explain your personal decision to become a vegetarian rather than the popular reasons promoted in public. That's not to say that those things didn't impact your decision.

You need two more things that impacted your life?

It's hard to measure up to dietary restrictions that endure for the rest of your life, so you probably want to mention things on the same level of importance to you.

Just pick two views that you have, and then pick two poignant examples that made, or reinforced those views in your eyes.
Mar 30, 2009, 12:40am   #
Definitely focus more on how vegetarianism has impacted you personally. At the moment the thing that impacted you the most seems to be the Sheppard's pie, not vegetarianism. How bad was it, anyway, that it convinced you to swear off eating meat for the rest of your life?

As for the other two, just think of your most vivid memories. Probably the reason those memories are vivid is because they are of events that affected you strongly in some way.

Good luck.
Vegetarianism prevents many of the health problems that are sweeping across America, pushes back against inhumane treatment of animals, and moves the planet towards a more sustainable existence.


That is a great sentence! (above) Now, for this one below, will you be elaborating about the conversations?
As one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest, this has an impact on everyday life and leads to numerous conversations with belligerent cowboys.

This is great, I' glad you shared it despite your reluctance to let people read your writing.
Mar 30, 2009, 04:49pm   #
[As one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest, this has an impact on everyday life] and leads to numerous conversations with belligerent cowboys.
-Ha, Cowboys. Might sound a bit too stereotypical; it sounds like the cowboys are those that do manly things and would be shocked at vegetarianism or sensitivity.
-The first part of this sentence is too general, it is also grammatically incorrect.
Correction: Being one of the lone vegetarians in the Midwest has an impact on my everyday life.
-But like I said, what kind of impact? A summarizing conclusion is not necessary for such a short response.


Eight years ago in my elementary school, I licked the last remnants of Shepherd's pie from a fork. Such a meaty morsel has not passed my lips since then.
-Kinda sounds like you miss meat
-last remnants is repetitive
-You could shorten it a bit to allow for more about your personal decision to become vegetarian. E.g. The last time I've swallowed a piece of meat was eight years ago, when I licked the remnants of a Shepherd's pie.


Some perceive vegetarianism as a dietary choice, but for me it is a life path with roots in appalling cafeteria victuals.
-You became vegetarian just because you didn't like how cafeteria food tasted? Not very compelling.


Vegetarianism prevents many of the health problems sweeping America, pushes back against inhumane treatment of animals, and moves the planet towards a more sustainable existence.
-You aren't trying to persuade the reader to become vegetarian; rather, you are trying to show them how being vegetarian has affected you.
Mar 30, 2009, 10:44pm   #
Eight years ago in my elementary school, I licked the remnants of Shepherd's pie from a fork. Such a meaty morsel has not passed my lips since, despite a few tempting opportunities. Many people perceive vegetarianism as a dietary choice, but for me it is a life path with roots in appalling cafeteria victuals. I have always been a lover of animals and refuse to support their exploitation with my dollar. As a vegetarian in the Midwest, this has led to many stimulating debates with peers and interested adults alike.

Is that last sentence any good after the comma? I don't know if I like it.
The whole cowboy thing came off as snobby... :[ Blast!
And is it bad that I say I have a firm stance but have also been tempted? It kinda is...
More advice! Ek. Here is my second.
I'm nervous about sounding corny on both of these, but I'm being truthful!

I am the girl who feels guilty when forgetting to unplug electronics after using them. Growing up in a household that is very environmentally conscious, I have always been aware of my ecological footprint. Going without heat to conserve energy and save money on the gas bill is not dire circumstance; it is a reason to put on that extra jacket. I compost, collect rainwater, have my own garden, use energy efficient lights, and perhaps most condemning as a sixteen-year-old, do not have a car.
Mar 30, 2009, 11:56pm   #
Umm, the first paragraph is less cohesive than before. You just jump from one thing to the other, and the third sentence is a bit unclear. It kinda sounds like you love animals so your not going to pay for them to get exploited though you probably mean that your dietary choice is an expression of your disapproval of animal exploitation.

Again, your last sentence: [this] does not refer to anything, and it is still unclear. A person could take it that the debates didn't happen between you and an adult but between adults. The last sentence doesn't make any reference to you at all (no I, me, or my).

Yea, tempting kind of means that your stance has faltered.
kenziii:
As a vegetarian in the Midwest, this has led to many stimulating debates with peers and interested adults alike.


For this one, the structure of the sentence is messed up. As a vegetarian, YOU do something.

As a vegetarian in the Midwest, I have found myself in many...

Jay, I'm very impressed with the excellent advice and honest feedback you have been giving!
Apr 1, 2009, 10:56pm   #
Your second essay is a good description of something that is important to you. Is that what the prompt is looking for? Or is it looking for experiences that have impacted your life? If so, you might be a bit off-topic. If not, you should be fine.



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓