Unanswered [12] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Undergraduate /     

UC essay prompt #2, personal quality and talent - did i go off topic?


answers: 2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

The lights flickered back and forth as I sat in my seat. As I looked back from my window I saw the last of Taipei. The huge skyscrapers, the moving lights, and even the sensational city smell gone forever to the winds. The souvenirs I brought back were all that's left of the metropolis I so much loved. But as I began to turn my head back I saw something that caught my attention.
It was the countryside, how quaint and pastoral it looked. The fields of farms and villages scattered along the rail line made for the perfect picture. How the stark difference in ambience filled my head as I wondered how a very industrial country can have this haven within itself. I stared quietly at the magnificent scene for about thirty minutes until I felt sleepy from the fatigue of travel.
As I began to find a good place to put my head, the pictures of the countryside still filled my thoughts. Never in America can one find a place as distinct as the countryside that was bestow in front of me. I wondered; puzzled by the vastness of the world that I knew. How the geography and culture has shaped how humans settled. The thoughts of how countries though so civilized can have a stark difference in the placement of settlements. Before more reflections passed by me I lingered to sleep.
Though about an hour or two has passed, the country scene changed. I have arrived to Tainan, back to civilization and back to society. Back to the world, to the stressfulness, the hecticness, and the complexity of life. Though long gone from the place only conceived by dreams, I have learned that no matter how the world industrializes there are always those oases that exists where nature and man lives on together.

Good afternoon :)

OK, let's see:

"The lights flickered back and forth as I sat in my seat. As I looked back from my window I saw the last of Taipei. The huge skyscrapers, the moving lights, and even the sensational city smell gone forever to the winds. The souvenirs I brought back were all that's Avoid contractions in formal academic writing. left of the metropolis I so much loved. But Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "so," and "but." as I began to turn my head back I saw something that caught my attention.
It was the countryside. How quaint and pastoral it looked. The fields of farms and villages scattered along the rail line made for the perfect picture. How the stark difference in ambiance filled my head as I wondered how a very industrial country could have this haven within itself. I stared quietly at the magnificent scene for about thirty minutes until I felt sleepy from the fatigue of travel.
As I began to find a good place to put my head, the pictures of the countryside still filled my thoughts. Never in America can one find a place as distinct as the countryside that was bestowed in front of me. I wondered, puzzled by the vastness of the world that I knew. How the geography and culture has shaped how humans settled? The thoughts of how countries though so civilized can have a stark difference in the placement of settlements. Before more reflections passed by me I lingered to sleep.
Though about an hour or two had passed, the country scene changed. I arrived to Tainan, back to civilization and back to society. Back to the world, to the stressfulness, the hecticness This isn't a word; replace it with something else., and the complexity of life. Though long gone from the place only conceived by dreams, I have learned that no matter how the world industrializes there are always those oases that exists where nature and man live on together."

The main issue I see here is that of tense. You switch back and forth from past to present tense, something that really should only be done in creative writing pieces. In formal academic writing, choose one tense and then stay there throughout the piece.

In regards to content, this is a very well organized piece with good flow. Your topic is good for the response, and you do a great job illustrating for your audience.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



Home / Undergraduate /

Thread closed ✓