"You have put in the miles. You have held nothing back. You have given this sport all that you can and here is where it will pay off. Give it your all!" This is the motivating speech my coach shouts triumphantly before the start of the cross-country meet. My team responds with an enormous cheer. Afterwards we line up with the other runners who look as anxious and determined as we feel. I stand with the team thrashing my limbs all around to keep from having my muscles stiffen up. The runners start to bow as man puts put a pistol. There is dead silence for only one second as the man bellows "Ready". Bang! I'm off feeling as if I have been released from a cage thrusting my entire body forward. My feet striking the ground while my arms and hands punch through the air. Whizzing past crowds of screaming parents and spectators, my mind starts to wander, thinking of the past and what brought me here to this moment.
I could remember when I was young and my mom would ask me questions. Questions to which I had no answer. Comments to which I had no reply. I would go to school, come back and still knowing nothing. This was not my teacher's fault nor was it mine; and it was not until my parents took me to the doctor that I started to become normal. My mother told me that I had some "magic" liquid lodged in my ears that they had to remove. Only until I had matured, was I told that I had auditory processing disorder. This meant that I could not process the sounds in words or remember information that was given to me. This disorder is reflected by the saying "In one ear and out the other." At the time I did not know anything was wrong with me. My mother told me that I was going to be repeating the first grade. She told me that it would be "great" because I had already been through it once and I would be the smartest kid in the class.
I am moving steadily onward through the race making sure my form is in rhythm. The hardest part is yet to come. Everyone's fear comes to light when they come to face a monstrous grassy hill. My team and I have had a lot of training on hills before, but the Green Monster, as it's been named, makes me second guess my abilities. I will myself not to submit to the pressure. I drive up the hill using every bit of strength in my legs while pumping my arms. Passing other runners who are unable to defeat the hill, I reach the top and continue onward.
I stand in front of the door shuffling in my shoes. I knock nervously while I wait for an answer. A woman calmly tells me to come in. The woman explains what she will be doing with me for the next few years. She starts by asking questions about pictures and what they mean. I come to this room with this woman to learn how to speak and process information of words and actions. I am learning slowly at first, but when time passes, I am able to have complete conversations with others and actually know what teachers are trying to teach me. I was able to accomplish any goal I put my mind to. This wonderful feeling I wanted more of and I decided to combine it with a talent of mine: running.
I am about less than one mile to the finish. My pace is starting to slow down. My body is now screaming at me, telling me that it is not worth it. I know these feelings and thoughts will not bring me to the finish line. To stop myself from listening to the persuasive voice of failure, I throw down a surge and I pass a couple of runners. I can see the finish line in the distance. The other runners are gaining speed with me following. I give the last 400 meters all that I have left and a little more. I pass by runner after runner while my legs jerk out madly behind me. I lunge over the finish line with one last breath. In front of me is my best friend with a broad smile on his face: "Amazing finish! You got a new personal record by 50 seconds!"
LPMG, it would be easier for us to review this essay if we knew what the supporting prompt is. Kindly supply that when you have the time for a more accurate review of your work. Overall though, this is a pretty solid effort at writing a narrative from two perspectives. However, I felt like there was a disconnection between the last 2 paragraphs about your running and the past events in your life that you had to overcome. The essay would benefit from more development of the past events in your life as I believe that is the concentration of the paper?
As for the last paragraph, you beat a personal record in running. But I did not see how that reflected a past experience of yours. What exactly were you trying to beat throughout your life? How does that relate to your experience in running? Can you possibly merge the lesson that you learned from the past and your present success into a paragraph that shows us how you developed a new insight regarding yourself or life?
I can probably make better comments after I read the prompt. So I will leave my opinions about the paper at this for now. Your grammar problems can be addressed later on. Let's tackle the essay one review section at a time :-)
Thank you so much for commenting on my post.
I have made some changes and trimmed down essay. I have found out that I need to keep my essay shorter for applying on the Common App.
Do you think it sounds better with less focus on the running? I'll work on getting more on the lesson I learned from the past and my present success.
Thanks again and if you have any thoughts about below, please let me know. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!
"You've put in the miles, now give it your all!" my coach shouts triumphantly before the start of the cross-country meet. We line up with the other runners who look as anxious and determined as we feel. There is silence for only one second as a man thrust a pistol in the air and bellows "Ready". Bang! Feeling as if I have been released from a cage, I thrust my body forward. My feet striking the ground while my arms and hands punch through the air. Whizzing past crowds of screaming parents and spectators, my mind starts to wander, thinking of the past and what brought me here to this moment.
I remember when I was young and my mom would ask me questions to which I didn't have any answers. I would go to school, come back and still know nothing. It was after my parents took me to the doctor that I started to become normal. My mother told me that I had some "magic" liquid lodged in my ears that they removed. Only until I matured, was I told that I had an auditory processing disorder. This meant that I could not process the sounds in words or remember information that was given to me. At the time I didn't know anything was wrong. My mother told me that I was going to be repeating the first grade. She told me that it would be "great" because I had already been through it once and I would be the smartest kid in the class.
[...]
I am wondering what the prompt is for this essay? If you can tell me what it is, I will be able to help you decide whether to concentrate on just the running or just the flashback part. By deciding to focus on only one story, you will be able to cut down the content of the essay and present a stronger supporting statement to your thesis in the process. In fact, that is one major problem I have while reading your essay. Your introduction concentrates on your competition but does not offer a thesis statement that will give the reader an inkling about the subject, theme, or topic of the essay. That is why you need to clarify the introduction and the prompt for me.
At this point, the essay has improved. But because you keep transferring from one story to another, It gets confusing for the reader. It lacks transition sentences that will help the reader prepare for a flashback or a flash forward. The sudden transitions actually shock the reader. I for one felt like I lost my place each time the transition hit me because I was not prepared for the change in setting. It became confusing towards the end because the two stories are telling me two different things about you. Rather than coming together in a single idea or point going towards your conclusion.
So here is what I suggest, let us know what the actual prompt is and then revise the essay by concentrating on developing only one of the two stories. Or develop both as separate essays and then post it here so we can help you choose between the two :-)
Hi LMPG
while it is good, there are some tense consistency errors
please revise
make sure that your contraction tenses correspond with the sentence
