Here's a rough draft for my UC Merced application. I'm majoring in Psychology. Please any comments would help.
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships, employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
To tell the truth, Psychology wasn't my first choice in regards to what I wanted to do with my life. I was never good with groups of people and always considered myself an outcast. In the beginning, architecture was my first choice when it came to my future. I enjoyed drawing and designing as a form of releasing stress from school, home and other people. You see, I grew up with a paraplegic father and, as a result, a mother suffering from depression which in due course tossed me into depression. Throughout my childhood I wondered as to why my family in particular was treated differently and why we had an atmosphere of grief following us. Over the course of my life and education, Psychology was rooted into the back of my head unbeknownst to who I projected into the outside world. It interested me because it had answers as to why people are depressed, why do people hurt, why do people think the way they do and most importantly how does one stop it. I sought my own methods to dealing with my personal problems through research and I avidly continue searching, but what reinforced my desire to explore Psychology was volunteering. In my Spring 2015 semester I volunteered at Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Center where a variety of patients suffer from different levels of mental illnesses. I was given simple tasks such as: talking, participating in recreational activities, and getting to know the patients. The center had an unusually gloomy aura due to the negativity encircling the residents, but that is why people like me decide to volunteer. I expected this job to be effortless but I quickly came to recognize the amount of inner strength necessary to thrive in this field. I was required to interact with emotionally damaged patients which proved extremely difficult at first. I remember crying the first time I heard "I don't want to die" and "please help me" from a patient experiencing a nervous breakdown. It was something I could relate to and ultimately learn from. Being exposed to nurses and psychiatrist's working directly with patients allowed to me to understand what went wrong in my past and how I can use my own experiences to help other people. Simply speaking with ill patients was enough for me to fall in love with this line of work. The idea that I can impact someone through simply listening to their story amazes me because human beings are in fact social creatures that desire understanding and communication. Something I never had, but desire to give. My experience at Skyline directed me into choosing Psychology as my major because I know what it's like to feel hopeless and watching psychologists working first hand strengthens my desire to join them in the fight for inner peace. With a degree in Psychology, I hope to continue onto Psychiatry afterwards becoming a part of this fulfilling field. As ambitious as my goals seem, I know they are not impossible because I've seen the impossible resolved by the patients of Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Center. People endlessly stumble through the path towards inner peace. Who says I shouldn't be there to help them along the way?
Please let me know what you think.
I will help assist you with some changes. First, when you use the word, "psychology" after a comma, you don't have to capitalize the first letter in that word. You could simplify the first sentence by simply stating psychology wasn't your first career choice. When you discuss your interest in architecture, you can also describe it as a career choice. I think you can make another sentence to discuss how you suffered. Place a comma after childhood. Delete "as to". Place a comma after head and add "which was unbeknownst to the image I projected to the outside world." In the next sentence, place a comma before "and". Continue should be in the past tense. Place a comma after semester . Place a comma after effortless. The sentence in which you discuss being exposed to nurses needs a comma after patients. Form two sentences when you discuss how your experience at a rehabilitation center helped you choose psychology as your major and witnessed what psychologists do daily. Very good ending! Your essay seems very heartfelt. This is very important in this type of essay. Make sure you separate the essay into paragraphs and proofread.
Deftpunk, WELCOME to Essayforum Family!!!
Here's my help on your application.
- To tell the truthHonestly , Psychology wasn't my first choice in regards to what I wanted to do with my life.
- InFrom the beginning, architecture was my first choice when it camecomes to my future.
- Over the course of my life and education, Psychology was rooted intoat the back of my head unbeknownst to who I projected into the outside world.
- It interested me because it had answers as to why people are depressed,...
- I sought my own methods toin dealing with my personal problems through research and I avidly continue searching, but what reinforced my desire to explore Psychology was volunteeringwhen I volunteered one spring. .
-In my Spring of 2015 semester I volunteered at Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Center where a variety of patients suffer from different levels of mental illnesses.
- The center had an unusually gloomy aura due to the negativity encircling the residents, butand that is why people like me decide to volunteer.
- Being exposed to nurses and psychiatrist's working directly with patients allowed to me to understand what went wrong in my past and how I can use my own experiences to help other people.
- Simply speaking with ill patients was enough for me to fall in love with this line of work. The idea that I can have an impact on someone's life through simply listening to their story amazes me because human beings are in fact social creatures that desire understanding and communication.
- Something I never had, but desire to give. ( I'm not sure what you want to tell in this sentence)
- As ambitious as my goals seem, I know they are not impossible because I've seen the impossible resolved by the patients ofat Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Centerand in the eyes of the patients there is hope with the help of people like me .
- People endlessly stumble through life and they do in order to see the the path towards inner peace.
Deftpunk, overall, your application is good. I made a few corrections that hopefully will enhance your letter.
However, I want to put myself on the moderators side, the moderator will have to check and weigh your letter and will determine your admissibility.
Now, I believe letter lacks the points in terms of answering how can you contribute to the community and to the organization as a whole, remember, it's a give and take process, they allow you to get the best education and you in return should devote your time and energy to the institution.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Keep writing
Cheers!!!
