Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My father is the hardest working person I've ever known. He built his business from scratch and now he is one of the most influential people in the city. I remember when I was in middle school, my mom told me, for the first time, the story of how my father became a successful owner of a drink company he is now. When I was still a baby, my father sold our house which was a gift from my grandfather to use it to build his business. We moved to a smaller house in the outskirts of town while he worked from dusk to dawn, coming home with the strong smell of sugar and orange. At first, the company wasn't doing so well, but he didn't give up and kept trying. Finally, after one year, his business started to turn better. The company expanded, and his brand became widely known. Now, even though his company is stable and doing very well, he still keeps on working hard inventing new products.
I'm very proud of my father. He is hard working yet simple. He never brags about his success and he always stays down to earth. He is my sole motivation of working hard at school and my guide to socialize in the community. I set my heart to continue his business and expand it to the next level of going international and adding more variety to his products. I'm determined to study more about food and drinks, so in the future I'm going to make him proud in return.
Please comment and help me. I still don't know how to end this essay. Thank you :)
I am going to be judgmental, since that is what you need for your essay.
The main thing you must avoid in UC essay is boasting, even though your father never boast about his success. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but it would be not so interesting for the readers. Start with much less cliche sentence. "My father is the hardest working person I've ever known." is not a good way to start out your essay, since that kind of sentence is frequently seen. It must be captivating and interesting. Maybe start with a quote from your father that is meaningful to you and the rest of description about your father, and how it influenced you.
Good Luck!
"He is my sole motivation of working hard at school and my guide to socialize in the community. I set my heart to continue his business and expand it to the next level of going international and adding more variety to his products. I'm determined to study more about food and drinks, so in the future I'm going to make him proud in return."
This is implying that you, like your father, are trying to become a businessman/woman, right? If that is so, then I would slightly edit the essay to focus on how did your father's actions inspire you to become follow in his footsteps - your essay kind of shifts toward the feel that you are inspired by his work ethic and perseverance so that you become a better person in general, which makes the quoted sentence above kind of weak. Likewise, while the essay question asks you to write about your family or friends, keep in mind that the colleges are looking for what makes YOU special. Therefore, try and limit your dad's story to maybe 1/2 to 3/4 of the essay, and use the rest to categorize your feelings and reaction instead of implying it in 2-3 sentences.
