Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.(3800 characters).
It was the day of October 28, 2006, as my faint memory depicts me boarding a plane on Pakistani International Airlines to journey across the ocean and into another country. I was fourteen hours away from Pakistan at that point, and I was overjoyed with anxiety and elation, mostly anxiety considering my weak stomach for airplane rides. It was as though everyone became insects the instant I looked out the window. The food on the airplane was not all that inviting, and my pillow needed fluffing every ten minutes. I was on my way to Pakistan, the pride of my ancestral roots. I did not know what to expect, confused like any other child would be, however I came to realize that the quintessence of my lifestyle was derived from my heritage. This was something I could apprise to others with the same amount of pride my parents exhibited. We are all defined by one ambition of representing the pinnacle of our origination and ideologies, separated by cultural commodities and rituals; that ambition is sewed into my being and I bring with me the quilt of my cultural diversity to Rutgers University.
I made my way through the gates of the Jinnah Airport in Karachi, almost was everyone dressed in traditional long shirts and tunics, the shalwar kameez. We arrived at our house, which looked like castle with an elongated Portuguese influenced verandah, in Sialkot. I spent most of my time playing with cousins, frolicking in the gallery when I heard the sound of azan, the Islamic call to prayer from the mosque. It was time to ready ourselves for the sacred month of Ramadan, a holy month for Muslims around the globe. A time of forgive and forget as we fast from sun up to sundown, fortifying us with patience and abstention. Our eyes tell us the stories of impoverished men, women, and children all around the world who cannot eat three meals a day, have clean water at the flip of a faucet, or have clothing to shelter their skins. The month of Ramadan allowed me to realize that my empty and groaning stomach is only one aspect to the hardships faced by the less fortunate. Patience became a virtue as I exposed myself to the conditions of life that were unknown to me, in hopes of making a difference for those less fortunate. I saw my parents giving zakah, donating money, and going to the shelters and community homes in order to give aid while on a fasting stomach. From that day on, I believed that the mindset of constituting change upon society by viewing life through an array of lenses is an essential ingredient for ethical prosperity. I joined the efforts of my local mosque after my return to the United States. The Islamic Center of Morris County allowed me to coordinate youth programs and utilize my knowledge to enlighten the younger generations on moral obligations. This manifestation of ideas is an indispensable inclusion to the Rutgers community.
The process of my progression into the real world is dependent on the exposure to the different types of cultures. With me, I bring the keys to unlocking my own identity by sharing my experiences, while acquiring erudition of other cultural traditions through social output and the extracurricular involvements provided by Rutgers' institution. An embodiment of students glimmering with cultural diversity will inevitably revamp social advancement. I have come to realize, through experience, that my family is essential towards the pursuit of happiness and success upon my endeavors. My involvement within their presence and my religion is what sets me apart from other people. This is imperative on the ascendency towards academic and social prosperity, exemplified by the mission at Rutgers University to allows students to "thrive in an increasingly diverse and global society."
Brilliant essay! Very hard to find anything wrong with it, but here's my 2cents worth:
1. You give off a wordy description of the plane experience, going as far as mentioning the state of your pillow. Is this necessary?
They will be reading hundreds of essays and describing this one thing might be seen more as a time waster as opposed to provide the valuable insight on who you are.
2. "Almost was everyone" I think this can be phrased a little better
3. "Looked like castle". Looked like A castle
Although the essay gives a lot of detail on the type of diversity you would bring to a campus, it does very little in speaking towards your talents.
All I know is that you someone that strongly believes in their religion(which is great) and that your roots mean a lot to you. That's amazing, but one would suppose that you do devote your time to other things (what are these things)...so do mention a talent or two that would help show just how much of a 'round' person you are.
Another big thing I'd how you bottle all your leadership experiences in three words- "coordinate youth programs" - if you held any leadership position in this regard then tell us about it.
Speaking of any leadership positions makes it clear that you are hard working and that you have a genuine interest in that particular activity.
You are a superb writer with a lovely essay, and I think with a few changes you will have a one of a kind essay!
I hope I get to read your revised version!
Ps: I apologize for the late reply, its exams in South Africa and kind off got in over my head
