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Prioritizing income, rather than fondness for a job. UT topic B


Kimishme 2 / 5  
Oct 23, 2010   #1
Topic:

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

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Please tell me:
1) If the content of the paper is relevant/sufficient
2) Improving vocabulary
3) Is it even remotely interesting?
4) What I should improve on
5) Your insight/personal changes on my paper

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I think every person, at one point in his life, has been advised to prioritize fondness for a job rather than on the income accompanied by it. However, my predominant concern is not self satisfaction. It is my ability to provide financial stability and relief, not only for myself, but also for my parents, siblings, and my own children in the future.

Through my observations, I have come to the conclusion that money is indeed one of the major factors in determining an individual's happiness. My beliefs may be considered superficial by most, but from a realist's standpoint, it is a true and valid statement. Our standard of living and quality of life, to some extent, are directly correlated to the amount of material possessions we possess. Of course human aspects, such as family values and social relationships, are other determinants, but there is no doubt that in our society, money is of major significance. Can one truly enjoy life when monetary insufficiency and debt, linger, being a constant source of frustration and stress? In my opinion, no.

Of course I do not mean to say that one should undertake a job he completely despises. After all, that would make him a very, very unhappy individual. Rather, if one were to given the opportunity to decide between a job he really enjoys and a job he does not mind undertaking that pays significantly more, he should choose the latter. For example, in my case, I initially desired a career in the visual arts field, commonly associated with unstable, low-income jobs. But instead, I opted for my second choice, nursing, as it is a reliable source of income and a field I am also quite interested in. I also think this job would be far more meaningful and worthwhile, as saving lives is greatly rewarding.

Also, when I am financially stable, I will have the means to pursue whatever I enjoy, such as art. There are many alternatives.

My primary reason for my preference of higher paying jobs is my desire to provide for my loved ones. I would like to one day thank and repay my parents for nurturing me, providing me with love and support, and for all the wonderful things they have done for me. As the eldest of four, I feel it is my duty to help fund for my three younger brothers' college education. Someday, when I have my own Children, I want to be able to furnish for them, a nice environment, a good education, as well as fun things to do in general. If I can make my parents happy by sending them off on a fancy cruise, relieve my brothers of debt from student loans, and provide necessities and wants for my own children in the future, I am willing to sacrifice my dream job, because their happiness, in return, will be mine.

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Thank you so much everybody!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
Seems like you need a boldly unorthodox sentence added to the end of that first paragraph. Surprise the reader with an unexpected thesis statement.

Actually, the thesis statement needs to clearly specify an issue. It has to be something you can name. Right now it is "the question of whether to seek a high paying job or one you love." Seems like you might have reused an essay you wrote for a previous assignment.

But anyway, the issue is not clearly specified.

Through my observations, I have come to the conclusion that money is indeed one of the major factors in determining an individual's happiness. --- you could say this in 1/2 the number of words.

Your vocabulary is fine; it is impressive. The essay is interesting because it is about something that is an important subject to everyone.

visual arts field, commonly associated with unstable, low-income jobs. But instead, I opted for my second choice, nursing, as it is a reliable source of income---I think this is a good route to go! Nursing gives you a lot of options about what kind of environment you will work in and what kind of specialization you will have. And you really can do a great online business with visual art... web design, photoshop, making tee shirts, making business cards, e-book covers...

:-)


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