I would change the wording a bit,
instead of "the university" make it "a
Also, a commonapp essay is suppose to be about YOU
not "a university." Since you changed ur essay, make sure the point and theme is still clear. I'm guessing you want to convey how much you look forward in going to college. Make sure you state specifically that that is the main point you want to get across.
I still think the sandae/college thing can still work but adjust your essay a little to make it fit better. Say... idk... how you want to find that perfect university as much as u wanted that sandae when u were a little girl.
call yourself an official member (or call yourself a member of that family
I like the second choice better. It just feels like a stronger statement
But it also prepares you for the real world,
whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe
idk, felt kinda pointless but its your choice.
To conclude, talk about yourself.
btw ty for reading my thread