Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)
The hubbub was deafening. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins. My throat dried up as I sensed the excitement of the quarter finals in the atmosphere. I glimpsed at my opponent; beads of perspiration tripped down his forehead. I smirked: I was winning!
Playing video games has been my hobby for as long as I can remember. I have given it cardinal priority in my free time, but it never occurred to me that I could accomplish such an astounding feat and learn so much from it at the same time.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)
The hubbub was deafening. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins. My throat dried up as I sensed the excitement of the quarter finals in the atmosphere. I glimpsed at my opponent; beads of perspiration tripped down his forehead. I smirked: I was winning!
Playing video games has been my hobby for as long as I can remember. I have given it cardinal priority in my free time, but it never occurred to me that I could accomplish such an astounding feat and learn so much from it at the same time.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)
The hubbub was deafening. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins. My throat dried up as I sensed the excitement of the quarter finals in the atmosphere. I glimpsed at my opponent; beads of perspiration tripped down his forehead. I smirked: I was winning!
Playing video games has been my hobby for as long as I can remember. I have given it cardinal priority in my free time, but it never occurred to me that I could accomplish such an astounding feat and learn so much from it at the same time.
[Please let me know of any corrections needed or if I can add anything else to make it better].
Hi Jahan,
Really enjoyed reading your work, though I have a few suggestions that may help you to get this piece of writing to the next level:
-Introduction. The tension you are trying to create feels strangely diffuse, and you don't give enough details around 'the stakes.' However, I could see another direction for this introduction entirely, not as a 'tension-building' device--but as a surprise. Perhaps you could describe the opening scenario in a way that creates a clever ambiguity--are you a gladiator, Olympian, or a gamer? Perhaps you are a character that you 'play as' within a videogame. This could create more interest and surprise from the onset of your essay.
-Details: We always emphasize the importance of details and 'color' in admissions essays. Details breathe life into your story. They give your reader a more vivid portrait of you, and the significance of this event. How many players were at this competition? From how many different countries? What types of games did you play?
-Impact: I'd like to see you dig a little deeper in terms of the impact of this event on you. Perseverance is a great lesson, but, what else did this whole new world reveal to you? What did you learn about yourself and others in the process? I think you can get more specific and reflective.
-Structure: Keep the framework clear.
-Intro
-Why the gaming competition (your friend Joy, your preparation, etc)
-The competition, and your subsequent defeat
-Why video games & this experience matter to you
This is a short essay, so a clear structure will help give it a stronger arc (visually it also just makes your content more reader-friendly and digestible).
I think these minor suggestions should help you--great work thus far!!!
Sincerely,
Brooke
Thanks again for looking at my essay.
Now about your essay:
It's a good essay; however, I think you could elaborate just a bit more on how you achieved the perseverance in the last paragraph. Maybe just reveal a bit more about your personality?
For transition, the second paragraph was a bit abrupt. How did you get from 'almost winning your opponent' to 'Playing Video Games' ?
I do not detect any grammar errors but I'm not really good at grammar anyway, so not much use there.
These are just some suggestions. Use them if you like. Keep up the good work!
