Hi,
Do you have any tips for the conclusion? Also, are there any grammar mistakes?
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Compared to my other extracurricular activities, golf is a major component of my life. My interest in this sport allowed me to volunteer at the First Tee, to widen my network of friends, and to exercise my competitive self. Also, golf gave me numerous opportunities to experience new environments while traveling. Out of all the golf experiences I had, the First Tee Open is one of the most memorable one.
I once dreamt of playing at the picturesque Pebble Beach Golf Links, a prestigious course in the nation. An arduous student and volunteer at the First Tee, I have been given the privilege to play at Pebble. I did not want this opportunity to slip away. I applied twice for the First Tee Open with essays and volunteer resumes and was finally accepted this year. A "once in a lifetime" opportunity, I played with one of the best senior golf professionals and met other golfers. While meeting and playing with these golf professionals, I felt pressured to play to the best of my ability at the course I longed to play in. In this tournament, I challenged myself to strengthen my network of friends and to play better golf. To achieve my goal of playing good golf, I practiced tirelessly between studying for tests and pursuing my interests in piano. I felt accomplished that I fulfilled my dream to play golf at Pebble Beach.
From this remarkable experience, I felt relieved to continue to apply for the tournament. Being able to participate in this tournament, I felt proud to have stepped beyond my comfort zone to meet new junior and professional golfers, who inspired me to practice assiduously in golf. I feel accomplished that I maintained my characteristics to allow me to fulfill one of my dreams. Today, I am eager to look for new challenges to improve myself.
Thanks.
I don't mean to be a stickler or anything, but me being a random stranger who doesn't know you or the game of golf, what is the First Tee? I realize that it has something to do about golf, but when you introduce it, you left me hangin'... :/
I hope this helps!
I think that is good advice. A little more info about First Tee will be good. Just a few words...
Also... check this out:
I felt pressured ... I felt accomplished ...I felt relieved .... I felt proud ....I feel accomplished
Too much! The essay gets a little repetitive. It is important, when that happens, to add a new dimension to the theme. You need to have something else to say, something interesting and related to golf. It can be anything, really, but you should compound the theme and add a second message to the reader. It is not enough to just talk about how you felt, etc. Try making some kind of analogy or making golf symbolize something else... or compare it to something pertaining to your chosen school or major, etc.
:-)
