Hi, can you please comment below on how I can make the essay better. Should I explicitly mention the core values? You can comment on whatever you from topic to grammar. THANKS.
[b]Pitzer College's educational foundation is built upon four core values: social responsibility, intercultural understanding, interdisciplinary learning, and student autonomy. Our students utilize these values to create solutions to our world's current and future challenges, both big and small. Keeping our core values in mind, please answer one of the following prompts (Maximum of 4000 characters).
1. Incorporating one or more of our values, propose a solution to a local or global issue you deem important.
2. Tell us about an accomplishment of yours. How did you use one or more of our core values to reach your goal?
People immigrate to new countries all the time. How hard could it be? Well I received an answer that I wasn't hoping for when I moved from Liaoning, China to Texas. My parents sought a better standard of living and more importantly, freedom of opportunities for me to succeed in America. While my parents envisioned me to explore the western culture and the American school system, I hid in my own shell. As a nine-year-old Chinese boy in a predominantly white school, I played by myself during recess because I didn't speak English and didn't understand how to play the games on the playground. I don't know whether my loneliness was caused by my timidity or my fear of exclusion for being a different color. Thus I alienated myself from the other kids.
My family moved again during the summer before middle school. I was ready to begin a new life and fit in after I had learned some English. I made some new friends, and they introduced me to the odd American cultures such as sleepovers and football. Football was an odd game, but I loved to play it with the kids in my neighborhood. However, I didn't join the football team at my middle school. My mother had told me that Asians weren't built as sturdy as the white folks, and she also though football was a waste of time. The true reason why I didn't join was I feared alienation for being Asian because Asians are not common in football, stereotypically and statistically. Sometimes, I envied my 160-pound friend when he told me cool stories about football practice and showed me all his bruises on his arm.
During sophomore year of high school, I finally decided to join the football team. I was determined to not let race affect my interests. If I loved playing backyard football in middle school, then I should be able to pursue it competitively in high school. To my disadvantage, I had no experience playing on a team, and I was the only full Asian player. Though I did not suffer any explicit hardships of being a minority on the team, I felt more pressure to represent my ethnicity. Asians are rarely seen in football not because of our physical limitations, but because of our culture doesn't support it. Unfortunately, my parents did not agree to my decision to play football because it was dangerous and took away time for academics. In addition, some of my peers snickered when I told them I wanted to play football. However, I wanted to prove to myself that I had the power to pursue what I wanted regardless of my race.
My first touchdown as a varsity football player will remain as one of the best memories of my life. I ran full speed across the end zone as the quarterback released the fast, spiraling ball directly at me. In many sports movies, a significant event during a competition is shown in slow motion. An example of this occurs in The Waterboy when the movie shows the receiver running and catching in slow motion to dramatize the game-winning touchdown. Sadly, this wasn't true for me at all. It all happened in a flash from when I sprinted off the line of scrimmage to catching the ball during the four-second play. But I remember thoroughly watching the ball until it hit my hands and the cheering of our fans after.
I'm proud of this one touchdown because it represents all of the hard work I had put in to achieve this accomplishment. From familiarizing with my teammates to practicing blocking someone a hundred pounds heavier than me, I spend a lot of time and effort to earn my skills and respect. I can truly say I did not miss one day of practice. All of the hard work paid off when the crowd thunderously roared as I stumbled into the end zone. My teammates chest-bumped me, and the coaches shook my hand. The cheering from crowd and teammates were heart-warming, but what felt better was being proud of myself for the determination to pursue my passion without being influenced by social dynamics.
I want to notice that :
1. You have to avoid contraction in academic writing.
2. Try to use transitions. They make your essay better.
3. Avoid repetition which I see a lot in your essay such as I . If you use transitions, they might help you to reduce repetition.
