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"A person I admire" - High school application essay


answers: 3
Sep 11, 2008, 12:10am   #1
Hello, I am new here and this is my first post. I hope to get some suggestions and advices on my essay, and please replace my words with big words like SAT words if possible. I won't use all of the big words you give me in my real application essay, but hope to learn more new words. Thank you very much!

Topic: A person I admire


I have read A Brief History of Time written by Stephen Hawking. I admire Stephen Hawking very much. He is not only one of the greatest astronomers through out history, but also an invalid who faces many more difficulties than normal people. His spirit on scientific research and his daily life has influenced me in my interest, my character and my world view significantly.
When I first read his book, I was attracted by the fascinating universe. Where did human beings come from? Why is the universe the way it is? Does time have a staring point? Although they are big questions, they are attractive to me. I asked my physics teacher questions about astronomy, and searched for information on the internet when I was confused. I exchanged E-mails with a Harvard professor. He gave me lots of valuable suggestions and a website which releases the newest achievements on astronomy. I spent all my free time reading and studying on astronomy. As a result, I learned lots of knowledge about the universe. I became able to understand high-toned theories, like why the universe is expanding, how scientists found black holes, and how we can perform time travel etc. The more I learn on the mysterious universe, the more I am interested in astronomy.
Stephen Hawking's experience also affected my character. He became paralyzed when he was studying in Cambridge University. The doctor told him that he could only live for, about, two years, but he could never be defeated. He keeps fighting against his fate. He is still living today and has great achievements. His story encourages me. When I face challenges, I cheer myself on with his spirit. I tell myself never give up because Stephen Hawking never did.
Stephen Hawking's philosophy also has a great effect on my world view. "We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star." said by Hawking. I always considered human beings are the cleverest creatures in the world, but I never compared us to the creature from outer space. Maybe, what he said is true. Who knows? I always used his words to warn myself, just like no one knows whether the E.T exists. There are so many things we don't know about the world, which is why we always need to keep a modest attitude to learn knowledge, receive others' advice.
Mr. Stephen Hawking teaches me so much from his story, his behavior and his spirit. I admire him and hope to be a person as intelligent as him.

Good evening.

Here are my suggestions:

"I have read A Brief History of Time written by Stephen Hawking. I admire Stephen Hawking very much. He is not only one of the greatest astronomers throughout history, but also an invalid who faces many more difficulties than normal average, common, orthodoxpeople. His spirit on scientific research and his daily life has influenced me in my interests, my character, and my world view significantly.
When I first read his book, I was attracted by the fascinating universe. Where did human beings come from? Why is the universe the way it is? Does time have a starting point? Although they are big questions, they are attractive to me. I asked my physics teacher questions about astronomy, and searched for information on the internet when I was confused. I exchanged e-mails with a Harvard professor. He gave me lots of valuable suggestions and a website which releases the newest achievements in astronomy. I spent all my free time reading and studying on astronomy. As a result, I learned gained, acquired, posesslots of knowledge information, facts, intelligence about the universe. I became able to understand high-toned theories, like why the universe is expanding, how scientists found black holes, and how we can perform time travel. The more I learn on the mysterious universe, the more I am interested in astronomy.
Stephen Hawking's experience also affected my character. He became paralyzed when he was studying in Cambridge University. The doctor told him that he could only live for approximately two years, but he would never be defeated. He keeps fighting against his fate. He is still living today and has great achievements. His story encourages me. When I face challenges, I cheer myself on with his spirit. I tell myself to never give up because Stephen Hawking never did.
Stephen Hawking's philosophy also has a great effect on my world view. "We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star" Hawking once said. I always considered human beings as the cleverest creatures in the world, but I never compared us to creatures from outer space. Maybe (Remove comma) what he said is true. Who knows? I always used his words to warn myself, just like no one knows whether or not E.T.s exist. There are so many things we do not know about the world, which is why we always need to keep an open, curious, explorative attitude and gain knowledge, while still being open to others' advice.
Mr. Stephen Hawking teaches me so much from his story, his behavior, and his spirit. I admire him and hope to be a person as intelligent as him one day."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Sep 11, 2008, 09:25pm   #3
Thank you very much for your help.

By the way, I also gave it to my friends. They said I need more details related to me personally. What is your suggestion? again, thank you!
Good evening.

As I do not know you personally, this question is hard for me to answer. I suggest you listen to the suggestions of those that know you better, and try to incorporate them into your text.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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