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Essay on Persistence


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Sep 8, 2009, 01:19am   #1
This is my first draft. Would appreciate prompt feedback/criticisms. Thank you!

Describe a valuable experience where you were able to achieve your objective because you were persistent (in at least 50 words and not more than 200 words)

One specific event in my life that has reinforced my level of persistence is my participation in a dance performance at a teacher's day concert during my secondary school years. I remembered seeing my classmates moving, twirling, and executing each dance step flawlessly. I aspired to be the same strong graceful figures that they were. The moves they were doing seemed so beyond me that before I started I was already feeling overwhelmed. However, I was determined to perfect the moves and put up an outstanding show for the teachers. In the two months leading up to the performance, I spent four hours everyday to learn, memorize and practice the dance steps because I knew I had to make up for the skills that my classmates had. It was very tough as I had to strike a balance between my studies and dance practices. On the day of the concert, I completed the whole dance impeccably. I value this experience because I learned that if I had given up, I would never know what I am capable of.

Word Count: 178

Sep 8, 2009, 01:44am   #2
Your verbs are in need of attention. You start out in the present tense and then skip to the past tense, before ending in the present tense again.

Some of your verbs are strong, active, and descriptive while others are feeble, passive, and taking up space.
Just the first sentence is unnecessarily long. You don't have to restate the prompt here, the admissions officer knows you're talking about a specific event in your life that reinforced your level of persistence, because that's what the prompt is asking for.
One specific event in my life that has reinforced my level of persistence is my participation in a dance performance at a teacher's day concert during my secondary school years.(sentence is cluttered with too much detail, it confuses the reader) I remember seeing my classmates moving, twirling, and executing each dance step flawlessly.

Some descriptions are redundant. Try to clean it up a bit.



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