I'm applying to UW Madison for the spring 2016, and would strongly appreciate any advice on this rough draft. Please let me know what to cut, add, switch, or correct.
Prompt "Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you."
High school is a transient portion of the average student's life; a four year term in which we are subject to standardized measurements based on our ability to conform to our classes' specifications and our teachers' ideologies. A student is an almost faceless entity who is defined not by their abilities, nor their unique talents, but by their summative numerical grades and their diverse extracurricular schedule.
The very things that make students who they are is relinquished for quantifiable data so that companies, colleges, and governments can sift through the vast amounts of potential workers, scholars, and candidates to filter out the 'top-tier' individuals and reject (or demoralize) the rest. What are overlooked in this process are the student's specializations, their backgrounds, and even their own visions and ideas of what the future might hold for them. The current educational system detracts from students growing their natural skills and abilities, instead maintaining the standardized curriculum of mandatory course selections in order to rank and file every student into a single pool for post high school institutions to draw from.
Throughout my own high school career, I've seen many people suffer because of inelastic teaching methods, the downfall of academically bright students that couldn't quite meet the passing standard in classes that they saw as irrelevant, or even the hindrance of some students' learning because of improper class placement. Over the last 4 years, the only noticeable change to the education system I've been enrolled in has been the further decline of the academic standard, a direct response to students failing their mandatory courses. My overall education experience has come to me as a large disappointment, despite my success in maintaining 'satisfactory' grades, and it pains me to think of the many bright futures that have been smothered by the outdated secondary education system.
Education as a whole is, and always has been, the most important aspect of my life. Nothing makes me happier than learning and understanding a new and abstract concept; the very idea of particle theory revolutionized the way that I think about science. My greatest pain in life has not been financial instability, or scarce free time, but the pain of knowing that people I see nearly every day are unable to access the education that they deserve, despite all the brilliant minds and technologies that modern civilization boasts. My observation of the unaddressed phenomenon of failure on the part of the education system has led to an internal struggle that drives me to try to improve the world in as many ways possible. In a way, that struggle now defines the most important aspect of who I am, but unfortunately for me, that definition is not quantifiable.
on our ability to conform to our classes' specifications and our teachers' ideologies.
It's interesting, the teachers would complain that they have to let their ideals and curricula conform to the standardized tests. That's teachers' big complaint about standardized testing. I guess I want to say that I don't like this sentence, because you're 'reducing' teacher ideals + class content in a way that is similar to the way quantitative analysis reduces students. This sentence doesn't go with the rest of the essay, because the essay is about not wanting to 'reduce' complex and meaningful things by taking a simplistic approach.
I think maybe you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that expresses the main message of the whole essay. That will make this a powerful piece of writing, because the reader will know what point you're arguing while s/he reads the rest.
"High school career" --- overused cliche.. I don't like it.
inelastic teaching methods--- again, it's distasteful and presumptuous to pass judgment -- to suggest to the reader that you are in a position to assess whether the teacher's methods were inelastic... it's better to present this in a way that suggests that you want to take responsibility for all your outcomes. You could incite some curiosity in the mind of the reader by mentioning what you've learned from this experience and how you'll use what you learned to make sure you get the best possible outcomes in college as you press on toward your most important goal.
: )
