Hey guys,
I feel my Why Penn essay is a little rough so ANY feedback is greatly appreicated!
Prompt: Its essentially "Why Penn"
Nothing underscores the academic spirit at the University of Pennsylvania better than Benjamin Franklin. Through his creation of everything ranging from bifocals to the first fire station, Ben always proved to be an innovator who utilized his multiple interests to really impact the world. While it's true I haven't yet achieved greatness through things such as founding the greatest university in the world, I embrace Franklin's approach to the academics where one can reconcile his passions in order to provide a greater service to society.
That is why I am so thrilled about the potential opportunity to attend the University of Pennsylvania. This school really is the only college with programs that exactly fit my academic goals. While I love biology and medicine and would be able to take classes at the College of Arts and Sciences, through the Wharton School of Business, I can also indulge in my passions for management and finance. The thought of being able to undergo a curriculum at Wharton that is not only rigorous but also hands on makes me yearn to be a Fighting Quaker. Moreover, I have found that the opportunity to undergo economic pursuits in the real world has evolved into something unique solely to Wharton. Things such as student-led conferences or courses where kids are graded based upon how profitable their stock investments were are things that truly define only Wharton. Hence, I firmly want to be part of a school that endows in its students the potential to learn in "the real world." At the same time, the ability to broaden my understanding of business and administration through both the General Management Club and Entrepreneurship Club excite me beyond words. The leadership and financial abilities cultivated through Wharton are critical in attaining any successful career. Thus, while I hope to have four years in medical school to study solely the sciences, I need a college like Wharton to uncover a more complete understanding of economics.
However, while Wharton remains an outstanding component of the Penn experience, it is not the only reason why I want to attend the university. I also am thrilled with the idea of being able to work with some of the most prominent leaders in science who also happen to work at this college. For example, potentially working with Dr. Blumberg would enable me to grow in medicine with an individual would is driving this nation's field of organ transplantation. Additionally, the renowned Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania also is a place where I sincerely hope I can spend four years undergoing both research and volunteer work.
At the end of the day, though, it's hard for me to explicitly state which organizations I hope to join at the University of Pennsylvania as I have not yet experienced all the school has to offer. While I would love work at the Children's Hospital at Penn, I may find that I enjoy the Penn for Life club even more. All I can honestly say, with out a doubt, is that I love the University of Pennsylvania and sincerely hope that I am blessed with the opportunity to pick and choose how I spend my four years there.
I take it UPenn is your #1? :) You're obviously sincerely passionate about the school - a lot of people don't go to the effort to explore the faculty and unique offerings their top choice school features. That little extra does make a difference!
Overall, it's a well-written essay, and I only have a few minor corrections to make.
"While it's true I haven't yet achieved greatness through things such as founding the greatest university in the world..."
This comes across as a little obsequious. Sure, UPenn probably IS the greatest school in the world in your mind, but lauding it as such just comes across a little funny. Think Carlton in 'Fresh Prince.'
"This school really is the only college with programs that exactly fit my academic goals."
You can trim this; how about 'UPenn is the only college with...', or try to combine it with the prior sentence. Cutting things where you can is crucial - concise essays flow, are less daunting for the AdCom, and are memorable
"but also hands- on"
"Things such as student-led conferences or courses where kids are graded based upon how profitable their stock investments were are things that truly define only Wharton."
Please, please, please don't use the word 'things' in an essay! Things generally have names - use those! Otherwise it just sounds immature. 'Offerings' or 'unique features' or any number of things would work here. You'll find something that works for you! :)
"While I love work at the Children's Hospital at Penn, I may find that I enjoy the Penn for Life club even more."
This reads oddly; since you're not yet at UPenn, you can't love the work yet. The tense shift is a little confusing. 'While I know I will love work at...' would be the tense you want to keep it in.
Hope that helps! You're a good writer, and this essay is almost there!! I'm applying to UPenn too...except I'm not smart enough for business, I'm more of an English/Theatre person haha!
the issue here is that you have two loves, but you don't seem to connect them in any way. It is pretty difficult to major in two non-overlapping fields. How are you different from all the other wishful thinkers out there?
The good thing though is that you seem to know what you're talking about, so making a connection shouldnt be too hard.
Ok, so you think I should merge them here? I have a second essay for UPenn that I have to write where I am planning on merging them. (The essay is about my passion for both science and business) Should I still try to merge though?
as long as you are not rehashing the same story, go ahead and mash em together. This one is more matter of fact, so if your other essay is more narrative-based, on gives a different angle, go for it.
this shit is not going to work for them. that's how one person i know started their essay. its telling them u are interested in making a lot of money 1st and nothing else and have little practacilaty. this is as general as any other essay. wow, they are going to read the first 2 paragraphs and throw this shit away.
